LATE NIGHT MONOLOGUE JOKES (2/28-3/5)
Lots of election jokes this week because, did anything else happen? Tell me which are your faaaaaves. I need to cut a couple down. Thanks as always!
- •Ben Carson dropped out of the presidential race this week, claiming it's time to pursue his real passion: Edible Arrangements associate.
- •Hillary Clinton won in South Carolina, by a huge margin, making it the second time in history a Clinton creamed an outsider.Interestingly, Super Delegate is also what Bill Clinton calls his penis.
- •After Super Tuesday, polls were strongly in favor of Donald Trump. Officials later announced that emigration applications to leave the United States were so in demand that, if you stacked the applications side by side, you could build a wall between here and Mexico.
- •Bernie Sanders is trailing after Super Tuesday. Before you know it, “Feeling the Bern” will be a phrase used exclusively by young women who had unprotected sex with a Bernie Bro.
- •On Sunday, a KKK rally broke out in violence. Unfortunately, Donald Trump sustained no injuries.
- •Ben Carson announced he would be ending his campaign to lead a Christian voter group. “No thank you,” responded Jesus.
- •OR: Ben Carson announced he would be ending his campaign to lead a Christian voter group. “This feels worse than the crucifixion,” responded Jesus.
- •The Hubble telescope made history by photographing a galaxy 13 billion years in the past. Their findings? Never before seen baby photos of Bernie Sanders.
- •China recently announced its plan to increase its policy, now allowing families up to two children. Officials report that the new policy will take place right in time for the launch of the iPhone 7.
- •Bird poop created the unexpected shutdown of a nuclear power plant. “I bet they're tied to ISIS,” said all Republicans, anywhere.