MY FIRST TIME HAVING SEX

Inspired by @Adam. (This is actually some of my standup I've been working on, too.)
  1. You know, there's a few things in life that unite us. Things we can all reminisce over, which create a deeper societal bond.
  2. Like stories about losing your virginity, you know?
  3. Think about it. Doesn't it feel like it was just two weeks ago?
  4. Seriously. Me too.
  5. Only, for me, it actually was two weeks ago.
  6. Like, early December.
  7. I know this is hard for some people to believe, because I exude sexuality.
  8. Or, actually, probably more that I'm 28.
  9. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
  10. I don't like to think of it like I was a late in life virgin, though.
  11. I prefer to think of it more like I was an "abstinence only sex education" success story.
  12. I was a communication studies major. A positive spin really does wonders.
  13. Anywho. Back to the story.
  14. So, it's not that I was saving myself for marriage. I wasn't.
    Well, I was in my early 20s. I was in two serious, long term relationships where we had decided to wait.
  15. I really was saving myself for, you know, death.
    Because having sex for the first time, later in life, even if you have good sex drive, is real terrifying. I'm also paranoid about STDs and STIs and babies. So, like, kill me.
  16. I was saving myself for some nice, young necrophiliac with kind eyes.
  17. He'd take my stone cold, lifeless body in his arms.
  18. Caress the flesh rotting on my face and massage my eternally hardened nipples.
    This is every young girl's dream, right?
  19. And my vagina would be reeeeeaaaaal nice and tight.
    You know, like a dried up raisin. Just all tight and shriveled up and dead.
  20. Just try to contain your boners at the thought of that.
  21. But, really.
  22. I decided after my last relationship that I didn't wait to wait anymore, but also hated all men.
    Just for a couple of years.
  23. Then, just had trouble meeting someone I trusted enough.
  24. Also, guys can be REAL penises about sex with virgins.
    They're always like, "I won't have sex with a virgin, because she'll get attached."
  25. Which is nonsense. I'm not going to get emotionally attached to something just because it was in my vagina.
  26. But then I started to question it... Maybe they are right?
  27. After all, I still have all ten of my fingers.
    And I'm pretty attached to each one.
  28. But, for the most part, I've been okay parting with other things that have been in my puss.
  29. All that to be said, I recently got reconnected with an old friend and we've been seeing each other.
    And he was super open and not weird about it.
  30. So, I was like... LET'S BONE.
  31. And he was like... YOU SURE?
  32. And I was like... YEAH I'M OLD, LETS DO THIS.
  33. So, we did. It was great.
    Like, real good. Like, you get it. But really, sex is fun, you guys.
  34. But, there's this one thing.
  35. Eye contact really gets him off.
  36. And that seems romantic...
  37. But it also seems like maybe the trait of a serial killer, no?
  38. But I don't have context for if this is normal.
    (But really, is this normal?)
  39. I'm sure it's normal.
  40. But, if it's not, tell me so I can buy some mace or something.
  41. Also, all those men were wrong. I'm not attached.
  42. I mean, I like him. But I could leave his ass whenever I want.
  43. BECAUSE BEYONCÉ RAISED ME.