TRUE EQUATIONS THAT PROVE I'M A REAL MATHEMATICIAN

I'm not a real mathematician. Did I fool you? These are still true, though.
  1. Cozy > all other feeling
  2. Flannel sheets + winter = joy
  3. Flannel sheets + summer = terrorism
  4. Mattress - foam mattress topper = nonsense
  5. Socks x nighttime = 0
  6. Blankets + blankets + blankets = puppies
  7. Sleep / on my back = anxiety! panic!
  8. Oh wait. I guess I don't understand math at all. I just like being snugly. So sue me!**
  9. **Please do not sue me. It was hyperbole, you silly billy. I work at a nonprofit and do comedy and you'll really get nothing out of the experience, most certainly not financial gain.