7 INSULTS THAT I'VE NEVER RECEIVED BUT WOULD BE TOTALLY LEGITIMATE
- •Bathos seesaws on your gaunt cheeks. As the light changes, your face flicks from handsome to ridiculous. Walking down tree-lined streets with you is like spinning a folk-art thaumatrope slowly. I have a thing about lamps and I’d hate for them to shade you. I really would.
- •You believe that through liberal use of "flaccid" you might reclaim the word, that people will forget that your potency is entirely verbal. You are mistaken.
- •When you say "most of my friends are women", everyone else hears, "I surround myself with failed endeavors, working to crush an ambition that has no resources."
- •There's something abortive about your body.
- •There's nothing winning about the line, "You are really dazzling, love. Not like a showgirl's sequins but like the dazzle camouflage of a World War I battleship. What I mean is: I didn't see your love coming." Stop saying it to me in bed.
- •You've only gotten fifty pages into Swann's Way, but you've called three things "Proustian" in the last two hours.
- •You make self-deprecating lists, feinting at honesty. Really, you are just emotionally manipulative and happy, you ersatz candor peddler.