7 INSULTS THAT I'VE NEVER RECEIVED BUT WOULD BE TOTALLY LEGITIMATE

  1. 1.
    Bathos seesaws on your gaunt cheeks. As the light changes, your face flicks from handsome to ridiculous. Walking down tree-lined streets with you is like spinning a folk-art thaumatrope slowly. I have a thing about lamps and I’d hate for them to shade you. I really would.
  2. 2.
    You believe that through liberal use of "flaccid" you might reclaim the word, that people will forget that your potency is entirely verbal. You are mistaken.
  3. 3.
    When you say "most of my friends are women", everyone else hears, "I surround myself with failed endeavors, working to crush an ambition that has no resources."
  4. 4.
    There's something abortive about your body.
  5. 5.
    There's nothing winning about the line, "You are really dazzling, love. Not like a showgirl's sequins but like the dazzle camouflage of a World War I battleship. What I mean is: I didn't see your love coming." Stop saying it to me in bed.
  6. 6.
    You've only gotten fifty pages into Swann's Way, but you've called three things "Proustian" in the last two hours.
  7. 7.
    You make self-deprecating lists, feinting at honesty. Really, you are just emotionally manipulative and happy, you ersatz candor peddler.