1. Aries
    You gotta get over the FKA twigs engagement news. Though your attempt to make "kiss curls" out of your "soccer mullet" was admirable, she was never going to notice you.
  2. Taurus
    No one cares about your Hilary thoughts. You don't have a funny take. All those fantasies of Bill wearing heels and cooking First Man Flan aren't happening. He's just going to ride a Segway in circles on the White House lawn and wolf-whistle at tour groups.
  3. Gemini
    We fates cannot believe you watched all of Netflix's Daredevil in one sitting. But good for you. Maybe remember to eat more than just toast, though. Like every day.
  4. Cancer
    You don't remember ordering that full-size body pillow, custom spraypainted with your partner's likeness from dakimakuraFUN.org, but it's in the mail. Don't listen to your friends. If you can hold on to it, you never have to let go of anything.
  5. Leo
    This is a big week for you. Even if nothing important happens, this is never happening again.
  6. Virgo
    The-Dream released a new album and it's probably the cure for all your sexual inadequacies. Forget humility in all things, memorize the hook to That's My Shit and live your best life.
  7. Libra
    Read more David Brooks. Do more opium.
  8. Scorpio
    Scorpio are wild, right? Too bad you didn't do your taxes. I'm sure the IRS has bigger fish to fry. And who has time for all that bean counting. You've got to watch John Oliver clips and taste test new Combos flavors.
  9. Sagittarius
    Really open yourself up to the idea of being uncompromising in all things.
  10. Capricorn
    Hey I'm a Capricorn!
  11. Aquarius
    Did you even watch the new Janelle Monáe video? Did you immediately renew your yoga membership. Or did you spend 30 minutes grimacing in the mirror, frowning in short shorts and two or three Lululemon sports bras? I just watched the video ten times and ordered froyo.
  12. Pisces
    My mother is a fish.