DAY IN, DAY OUT

  1. My mom died when I was 32. Her life was a daily struggle, and she managed as best as she could.
  2. I was her sole caretaker. When I say: "sole caretaker", I mean that while I had a sibling that probably should have taken some responsibility, she did not.
  3. Every day was a small form of routine. Pills, food, rest. Day in, day out.
  4. I sometimes got frustrated with her demands, which borderlined to the realm of constant. I used to kick myself over and over about trying to be a: "good son", while simultaneously resenting my mom for her behavior, and resenting the total lack of support from my sister, all the while trying to live my life.
  5. I say this because it has been nearly ten years since she has died, and there has been a long shadow hanging on this house for a while.
  6. When she died, I blamed myself for feeling frustrated, and at the first opportunity, fell into a deep depression.
  7. I gained 50 pounds. I drank constantly. I developed OCD, obsessing over my own death constantly. I was a miserably feeble soul.
  8. Today, I have lost some (not all) of the weight. I still drink way too much for my own good.
  9. I have a strained relationship with my sister. But for her children, I would not really ever talk to her again.
  10. Twilly's health saddens me deeply because she is this lovely soul that cannot fight what will inevitably come. As her dad, I cannot intercede on her behalf, despite all of my powers.
  11. So, I get up with her. I make coffee, feed her pills, feed her breakfast, and try to love her...day in, day out.
  12. There is no bitterness or complaint here. This is my life in 2016. I am 41 years old. My parents have been dead for nearly 3/4th of my life.
  13. I am a small figure in an otherwise small pond. I do business, and quietly keep my mouth shut so as to avoid attention from the world. I have a very sick kid at home that will eventually, and most likely, die this year.
  14. I am struggling to keep my law firm in business, and hoping things turn around. I am behind on bills. I get up and make coffee, and feed my kid pills and get her breakfast. Day in, day out.
  15. My sister married the heir to a billion dollar company some time ago. She never worries about money. I don't ask for her help, lest I be in her pocket for something. Day in, day out.
  16. Today, I told an elderly couple that, while I cannot sympathize with their decision to hang on to paying their debts, I knew why they were trying to do so. Personal dignity is an important part of existence, and something that I completely understand.
  17. However, needing to eat is another concern. I let them forward their creditor's phone calls to our office even though they had not officially hired us, because they were overdrawn in their bank accounts and had creditors calling them night and day...because they were old and sick and desperate for rest from being harassed.
  18. I hate my job at times, but I know I can live with myself at the end of the day doing it. Day in, day out.
  19. This is my life, people, and I am slowly living and dying in it one day at a time. However, whether it makes you laugh, cry, feel something or nothing, it will always be the truth...day in, day out.