In honor of Valentine's Day.
  1. Notice that person. You may think: "Hmmm, that person is noticeable. I would like to ask him/her some inquiries designed to test and gather information regarding future romantic encounters."
  2. Depending on where you notice this person, you may change up your type of inquiry.
    Bookstore: "I'm having trouble reaching that copy of Gary Busey's autobiography. Can you reach it for me?" Funeral: "Hey! I'm having trouble reaching for some tissues behind Uncle Horace's casket. Can you reach it for me?" Baskin-Robbins: "Hi! I'm having trouble reaching for napkins behind this tub of Rocky Road. Can you reach it for me?"
  3. Get gussied up!
    You have to look your best to get that special person to notice you. Brush your hair. Shower. Put on makeup. Comb your chest hair. Put on your mustache. Wash your teeth with saltwater.
  4. If you aren't getting past the inquiry stage, try to interject into the person's daily routine through casual conversation.
    Helpful conversation starters: "That's a nice tie. Will you marry me?"; "I live at home with my mom. I'm so lonely. Would you like to have coffee with me?" "My pants are on fire. Would you mind terribly dialing 9-1-1?"
  5. If this doesn't help, avoid doing the following: Staring intently, making crudely drawn pictures that read: "U + Me = 🔥🔥💦💦🍷🍷babies"
  6. Or, yelling all the lyrics to: "I'm Your Baby Tonight" by Whitney Houston whenever you see the person.
  7. In all seriousness, walk up to that attractive guy or gal, look them in the eye, say: "Hi! My name is (insert name). Want to go grab a coffee?"
    It's clunky, but it shows confidence.
  8. Pro-tip: don't actually introduce yourself as: "Insert Name". It's awkward. Trust me.
  9. If all else fails, buy a bottle of something and dance to Smiths records until 3:00 a.m., promising yourself that you'll ask that person out next time. Or, you'll SEXT them and run away at the very least.