How to Be the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo

  1. Get ratified on February 2, 1848.
  2. Change out the filters after use.
  3. Fry two eggs in a skillet. Add seven 14" lag screws.
  4. Borrow some hibiscus tea from the Gadsen Purchase.
  5. Watch "Alien 3".
  6. Have the U.S. Senate ratify this treaty by 38-14.
  7. Remember: "face is red, raise the head. If the face is pale, raise the tail."
  8. Tie a half-shank knot around a trailer hitch of a 1979 Lamplighter trailer.
  9. Direct California to incorporate community property laws, as borrowed from Mexican law and inspired by this treaty's ratification.
  10. Get a twelve-inch washer. Tie a fifteen inch string through the washer. Hold the washer over a mound of dirt. Divine water.