How to Find Someone, Settle Down, and Get Married.
- •Start with grooming. No one wants a stinky life-partner/spouse. Remember this handy phrase: "Don't be a dip. Take a dip.", or: "Be empowered, and take a shower."
- •Find yourself a clever nickname. Potential life mate/love persons love awesome nicknames. Some handy examples: "Horse Meat" "Chicken Gumbo" "Chunk Style" "Love Woogies" "Dinkles"
- •Be quirky! Everyone loves a quirky soul, especially future spouses. Suggested quirky stuff: be a spooky poet! Be a manic writer! Be a misunderstood sculptor! Be an interesting recluse! It's that simple!
- •Compromise, compromise, compromise. Nothing says: "I gave up for fear of dying alone" like willingly agreeing to clog dancing every Thursday night.
- •Avoid eating too many onions. You want to have fresh breath before the coitus. See #1.
- •When first undressing in front of your would-be bunkmate, remember this very important rule: "No giggling".
- •Also, "No sock puppets."
- •Finally, if you still aren't finding that special someone, remember: as long as you are happy, everything will turn out fine. Except, when your ex-college roommate Patty gets engaged. Then, it's fucking war.