How to Find Someone, Settle Down, and Get Married.

  1. Start with grooming. No one wants a stinky life-partner/spouse. Remember this handy phrase: "Don't be a dip. Take a dip.", or: "Be empowered, and take a shower."
  2. Find yourself a clever nickname. Potential life mate/love persons love awesome nicknames. Some handy examples: "Horse Meat" "Chicken Gumbo" "Chunk Style" "Love Woogies" "Dinkles"
  3. Be quirky! Everyone loves a quirky soul, especially future spouses. Suggested quirky stuff: be a spooky poet! Be a manic writer! Be a misunderstood sculptor! Be an interesting recluse! It's that simple!
  4. Compromise, compromise, compromise. Nothing says: "I gave up for fear of dying alone" like willingly agreeing to clog dancing every Thursday night.
  5. Avoid eating too many onions. You want to have fresh breath before the coitus. See #1.
  6. When first undressing in front of your would-be bunkmate, remember this very important rule: "No giggling".
  7. Also, "No sock puppets."
  8. Finally, if you still aren't finding that special someone, remember: as long as you are happy, everything will turn out fine. Except, when your ex-college roommate Patty gets engaged. Then, it's fucking war.