How to Make Out.

  1. Start by using the bathroom.
  2. Get twelve asparagus spears. Sautée them in olive oil and Himalayan sea salt. Add shallots. Let it cook on low heat for four to five minutes.
  3. Put on some music. To make out, you need music that is quiet, unobtrusive, but classy. Suggestions: "Jimi Hendrix - Blues", "The Blue Album", by Miles Davis, "The Smurfs Come Marching In - A Retrospective New Orleans Jazz Compilation with those Lovable Smurfs" (the last one is real, specifically: "When The Smurfs Come Marching In")
  4. Pour your make-out candidate a drink. Suggestions: a glass of Lillet Blanc over ice with a slice of orange; a can of Miller Lite; a 1975 Chateau D'Yquem, served in a plastic Viking drinking horn; a 22 oz. of Coors Light.
  5. Dim the lights. Wait. Dim them more. More. More. A little more. No, too dim. A little less. Light some candles.
  6. Sidle up next to your make-out candidate. Sidle, not: "climb in lap". Come on! This is serious now!
  7. Compliment your make-out candidate. Remark on his/her eyes, hair, teeth, breath, nose, eyebrows, pre-frontal lobe, occipital bones, facial structures, and lips.
  8. Prolong the inevitable by heightening the romantic tension. To do this, talk about things just prior to making out. Suggestions: "The Cinema of Nepal"; "Farming Techniques of Anglo-Saxon England"; "Anagrams derived from the word: 'Dreams'".
    (the last one is real. This made the girl/make-out candidate a little confused and impetuous).
  9. The Treaty of Westphalia ended the Thirty Years War in 1636.
  10. Once you've established sexual tension, begin the making-out process by aiming your face (specifically, the lip part) at your make-out candidate's face part (again, specifically, the lip part), and pressing the lip parts together. This part could last several minutes, or several hours, depending on your aim.
  11. Press lip parts together until one of you gets thirsty. Get something to drink. We'll wait.
  12. And we're back! Compliment your make-out friend's kissing technique. If they stink at kissing, try hugging and/or cuddling, so as to avoid embarrassment.
  13. If making-out is going well, congratulations! You are well on your way to the world of: "second base", and other baseball terminology. If not, make a soufflé.
  14. Oh, and take the asparagus off the heat! Whew. You almost burned that.