I DON'T FUCK WITH:

Inspired by way funnier people than me.
  1. A cactus. They're pokey.
  2. A knife. It's stabby.
  3. A garbage disposal. It's awkward, and stabby.
  4. "without" my penis, as it is my only appendage designed for such a purpose.
  5. Others in the room, save the "other" that is engaging in consensual sex with me. It's awkward.
  6. Mr. T, because he will likely hurt me. A lot. And slowly.
  7. My cowboy boots on. Actually, I don't own cowboy boots. However, if I owned them, I would not. Awkward.
  8. Nacho cheese. It's awkward, and gooey.
  9. Candy. It's awkward, and sticky.
  10. A panini maker. It's hot, and awkward.