MY AIR CONDITIONER BROKE:

I apologize to and equally sympathize with anyone in this predicament.
  1. It's currently 89 degrees in my house. Yes. You read that correctly. A balmy 89 degrees indoors.
  2. My dogs have demanded I buy them a kiddie pool to swim in.
  3. I have no objection to this, but it's too hot to move.
  4. Plus, I am stuck to the couch. Seriously. I am physically stuck to the couch.
  5. Additionally, in the wake of the heat wave, the deer ninja have decided to taunt the dogs from the street, resulting in screaming, yelling and assorted barking which is echoing throughout our neighborhood, as I currently have every window, screen door, etc. thrown wide open to allow for cool air.
  6. I am currently drinking a can of Olympia, sitting by a window, staring at deer ninja dressed in black clothing and wearing tabi boots, sharpening their ninja-to.