Signs I knew it was over with... OR, HOW I LEARNED TO LOVE AND HATE THE STATE OF OHIO

For my homie @abbsolutelyNot So, now you know.
  1. Here is the background. I have dated three Katie's in my life: Katie A, Katie B, and Katie C. I am not joking.
    The last name of each girl began alphabetically. It was bizarre.
  2. This is about Katie C.
    Or, "She Who Would Not Be Named", "Bitch Whore", "Death"
  3. I met Katie C. in law school. She was considered to be the most beautiful girl in our class. No one asked her out because she was quiet and kept to herself.
    When people found out we were dating, they would ask me: "Wait...dude...YOU? And, HER? How'd you do that?"
  4. I went to a law school dance called: "Barrister's Ball". It was basically the prom, but with booze and cigarettes.
    And casual sex.
  5. I went stag that year. I decided that I was just going with friends, and was more interested in booze than being in a relationship with anyone.
    Because booze won't leave you, kids.
  6. Sadly, I was wrong. I started talking to this girl named Katie C. We talked, we danced, I charmed. I wooed. I got her number.
    Don't laugh. I was quite the charmer at one point in my youth.
  7. We dated for the last semester of law school. I thought: "Okay. I'm 27. I'm graduating. I guess I need to get married. I'll move in with this girl."
    Because that's what I thought you're supposed to do.
  8. So, I did. I moved to Cincinnati, Ohio. I spent two years in that miserable hell-hole.
    Sorry to all citizens of the "Buckeye" state. I'm sure you're lovely. Just not this bitch.
  9. Here's where it goes wrong.
    And here my troubles began.
  10. SIGNS I KNEW IT WAS OVER - PART ONE:
  11. We got engaged. She changed the wedding date and wedding location six times during the time we were engaged.
    Total cost: $4,000.00 in deposits.
  12. SIGNS I KNEW IT WAS OVER - PART TWO:
  13. She was an attorney. I didn't pass the Ohio bar exam. She said: "I need a man who can provide for me for the lifestyle I'm used to having." She refused sex for a month as punishment for me failing the bar.
    Total cost: my intellectual vanity, and sex.
  14. SIGNS I KNEW IT WAS OVER - PART THREE:
  15. She went on a business trip overnight. She came home the next day. She asked me to plug in her cell phone to charge, and that it was in her purse. I found her underwear wadded up in her purse...slightly "used", if you catch my drift. Plus, another attorney's business card was stuffed in them.
    Total cost: my trust and self-esteem.
  16. SIGNS I KNEW IT WAS OVER - PART FOUR:
  17. Once, she fell asleep during sex. Literally. Actual, physical sex. Her excuse: "It felt so good that I just relaxed."
    Disclaimer: on all normal accounts, women do not fall asleep when I have sex with them. I would like to believe and have been informed as such, that I am reasonably talented in that department, so as to not be so fucking bored that one would ACTUALLY FALL ASLEEP DURING COITUS, COMPLETE WITH SNORING. I shit you not.
  18. SIGNS I KNEW IT WAS OVER - PART FIVE:
  19. She changed her engagement ring setting twice, and demanded that I pay for it.
    Total cost: $2,500.00
  20. SIGNS I KNEW IT WAS OVER - PART SIX:
  21. She stated that, once we were married, she didn't want to live with me. She wanted to live in her own apartment.
    Total cost: my sanity.
  22. SIGNS I KNEW IT WAS OVER - PART SEVEN:
  23. Once, for Christmas, I bought her a cashmere sweater. She got me a gym membership, saying that I was: "too fat". She then threw my band t-shirts out, stating that they were: "immature".
    Total cost: my dignity, and my signed Kurt Cobain Nirvana t-shirt.
  24. SIGNS I KNEW IT WAS OVER - PART EIGHT:
  25. She left me two weeks before our wedding with no note or explanation, meanwhile draining our bank account, and leaving me with thousands of dollars in credit card debt and humiliation in front my friends and family.
    Total cost: roughly $15,897.45. Not that I was counting.
  26. So...there you go. Not my best list, but it's my shittiest story.
  27. Total cost: slight, yet crippling, embarrassment that I got suckered into a relationship with a girl that I gave far, far too much credit towards just because I thought she was so out of my league that I simply refused to stand up for myself, even when every instinct inside of me kept screaming: "DUMP HER, YOU SHIT!"