Stuff I Think About.

  1. Death, while making coffee at 8:15 a.m. and I'm looking out of my kitchen window at people walking their dogs past my house.
  2. Money, as I'm passed by some 20-year kid in the highway, driving a lowered Honda Civic, and I wonder about the exact moment when (or if) this kid decides to sell his car that he's invested so much in decorations.
  3. Getting old, when I see retired people walking their dogs, or running their leaf blowers, or driving to doctor's appointments...just squeezing time between days and prescription refills.
  4. Sadness, as I meet people that say that they don't want to file for bankruptcy because they "didn't expect to be in this position", but between Social Security, a small pension, $35,000.00 in credit card debt, one of which is American Express (so the lawsuit will be filed by the end of the month), I can already see the end of the story.
  5. Fear, when I read about the severely ill, or the dying, and it occurs to me that I'm not exempt from dying, that no one is, that youth or cleverness won't prevent the passing of inevitability from happening to me.
  6. Relief, when the booze settles in, and I stop thinking about these things.
  7. Anxiety, when I feel that fear of dying crawling back, and all I can do is mock it, tell jokes, throw humor at it like so much mud in it's rotten face, hoping that I can avoid thinking about it for just a minute.
  8. Elation, when the bills still get paid, and we can eat, and the dogs are well, and the small miracle that is this law firm muddles through another month, and I shake my head at the magic of it all.
  9. The color "beige", as the monotony of life sometimes creeps in between the cracks of things, and you're just there, existing, breathing, sitting in the middle of it.
  10. Pride, from the client that sees bankruptcy as a: "moral offense", but will never, ever, admit it out loud again when they never, ever, have to pay back their debts ever again, can afford to finance a house and a car again, and can sleep easy at night never thinking about bills, lawsuits, foreclosures, or their future.
  11. Happiness, for the client that leaves our office with actual solutions and options and goes home unafraid.
  12. Peace of mind for that same person, because there is no price for "peace of mind". It is the greatest gift at times.
  13. Hope, when I see babies and animals, and my Powerball ticket.
  14. Joy, when I hit the "E" chord and the guitar screams "Kerrrang!", and I am all fire, all heat, all tears, all at once.
  15. Unpaid debts, when I think about the future, where we're all going, and the fear that it will all be getting close to burning down around our ears.
  16. Hell, when I see people laid off, mounting bills, foreclosure notices, a new presidential election on the horizon, and people's innate sense to adapt to their own surroundings.
  17. Choking, when I think of the environment, the pollution, the water, our food, our language, our culture, our existence.
  18. Anger, at people when they fall prey to the "quick fix" solutions to alleviate their financial situations, and anger towards the fucking predatory assholes that steal their money, knowing that they're going to dump them as soon as it's convenient to do so.
  19. Illumination, when I realize that I don't understand the great mystery yet, that pondering over it constantly in my youth has left me with no closer insight to anything, that I am tired at 40, and afraid of my peers and the generation below me, afraid I've accomplished nothing lasting, and it still means nothing.
  20. Vanity, when I realize that none of this is new, my fears are the same as everyone, and that there is nothing "special" or "unique" about my perspective on existence.
  21. Sisyphus, and the myth, and the rolling of a rock up a hill, knowing it will roll down over and over again.
  22. Amor fati, and still being able to smile.
  23. And, SEXTS...so many, many SEXTS