Things I'll Do Before Telling My Crush I Like Her.

  1. Sweat a lot.
  2. Eat an entire ham.
  3. Eat a banjo.
  4. Learn Esperanto.
  5. Poop a hammer.
  6. Join a trapeze troupe.
  7. Make a bunch of high-pitched screeching noises.
  8. Write a poem about Nutella.
  9. Breathe deeply.
  10. Work out.
  11. Work out a lot.
  12. Get swollen.
  13. Get super swollen.
  14. Pretty swollen.
  15. Maybe this swollen.
  16. Definitely this swollen.
  17. For sure, this swollen.
  18. Put on a jazz record.
  19. Dance around Target in the nude.
  20. Avoid and elude capture for as long as humanly possible.
  21. Jump up and down and cry.
  22. Drink some coffee.
  23. Make up some thinly-veiled pretense to talk to the crush, like: "Say, my favorite soda is orange CRUSH!"
  24. Go to the dentist.
  25. Get lectured for tooth decay due to constant ingestion of Orange Crush.
  26. Juggle some kumquats.
  27. Spell stuff.
  28. Ride a Vespa.
  29. Dance around like Tawny Kitane in a Whitesnake video.
  30. Get asked to leave "TGIFridays" again.
  31. Perform self-written interpretive dances for said crush, like: "Autumn Rhinoceros", or: "Making Out With Beetles."
  32. If all else fails, SEXT: