Things No One Lets ME Do Anymore

  1. Drink hard liquor mixed with Clamato.
  2. Prance around nude, pretending to be Mick Jagger, specifically during jury duty.
  3. Practice Wiccan spells on vegetables, specifically to turn them into GOP presidential candidates.
  4. Write subtle, yet sensuous, porn parodies about: "The Golden Girls".
  5. Panhandle for gold like an 1849 old-timey prospector in my toilet.
  6. Write subtle, yet sensuous, lists about how to write porn parodies of: "The Golden Girls".
  7. Climb the rope in gym class.
  8. Avoid criminal prosecution for "nude spelunking".
  9. Enjoy a fine cigar inside of a fine restaurant with my dear friend, Ralph Fiennes, who asks me how I am doing, and I reply: "Fine, fine, yes, just fine."
  10. Wear Speedos to court.
  11. Incorporate new, exciting rules to golf, like "body checking", and "free throws", and "tickling".
  12. Clicking my heels together three times, and saying: "There's no place like home" to avoid traffic tickets for driving 93 in a 65 m.p.h. zone. (psst...that one was true)