As requested by the wonderful and lovely @biz Thank you! Note: I've had a bit of a rough day, so switching from "goofy" to "somewhat goofy" may be tough.
  1. Anything from the State Bar of California.
  2. Anything from the planet Neptune.
  3. Hospitals.
  4. Nursing homes.
  5. Lobsters in a tank.
  6. Lobsters escaping from a tank.
  7. Lobsters attempting to overthrow the town in a clawed insurrection.
  8. A lack of butter and/or dipping sauce.
  9. Asking for help.
  10. Asking for help out of a vat of Jello.
  11. Answering questions as to how I fell into a vat of Jello.
  12. Jello.
  13. Angry people.
  14. Angry drivers.
  15. Death.
  16. Disease.
  17. Sick animals.
  18. Mistreated animals.
  19. Sometimes...mind you...sometimes just being asked what I actually want. I'm just not sure people either need nor want to hear that.
  20. The scene in "Dumbo" where he visits his mom in jail. I will sob uncontrollably at that.
  21. Certain songs:
    "A Sort of Fairytale" - Tori Amos; "A Long December" - Counting Crows; "I Will Survive" - Roberta Flack
  22. Airplanes.
  23. Hot air balloons.
  24. Flying, in general.
  25. Flying lobsters.
  26. Old Victorian dolls.
  27. Thoughts about inevitability.
  28. Thoughts about my ultimate demise.
  29. Thoughts about who would look after the dogs if my family got wiped out.
  30. Thoughts about attempting to sleep with all this on my mind.
  31. Thoughts about flying insurrectionist lobsters again.
  32. Seriously, I like lobsters. I just don't like it when they politically band together and attempt to overthrow the government.
  33. Going to the doctor.
  34. Going to the witch doctor, because he tells me what to say, which is: "Ooh eee ooh ahh ahh ting tang Walla Walla bing bang."
  35. Realizing that I may have seen an unlicensed physician.
  36. Realizing that I may have seen an unlicensed physician, as his waiting room was a 1986 white Chevy Van.
  37. Receiving shots.
  38. Drinking shots of Yeager.
  39. Drinking shots of Chuck Yeager.
  40. Apologizing to Chuck Yeager's family.
  41. Inappropriately SEXTing Chuck Yeager.
  42. The tears of the elderly.
  43. The tears of the grateful.
  44. The tears of a clown.
  45. The footprints of a clown leading under my bed.
  46. Waking up next to clowns.
  47. Waking up next to hobos.
  48. Making out with hobos.
  49. Making out with lizards.
  50. Making out with girls named: "Reggie".
  51. Making out with Reggie's dad.
  52. Reggie's dad inappropriately SEXTing photos of chicken.
    Come on, man. It was just one time!
  53. Like this:
    "SEXT" - Reggie's Dad.
  54. My mom being sad.
  55. My dogs being sad after their brother Homer died.
  56. My dog Homer's death
  57. This (psst...SEXT)
  58. A woman that will get inexplicably intimidated by me, insult me, yell at me, and presume to have allowed me to speak without me actually uttering one single word, and storm off.
  59. Men that do the same fucking thing.
  60. "Sporty" guys.
  61. Rich people. I always feel like less of a human being around them.
  62. Hyper-religious people.
  63. Hyper-political people.
  64. Hyper-anything that attempts to impose a particular viewpoint on me.
  65. Hyperspace.
  66. Hyper-velocity lobster warriors from the year 2376.
  67. Joke premises that exclusively deal with lobsters.
  68. Jokes about other crustaceans.
  69. Jokes about crustacean insurrectionists.
  70. Racist people.
  71. Ignorant people.
  72. People, generally.
  73. War.
  74. Famine.
  75. Pestilence.
  76. Death (again)
  77. "Taco", the unknown and least-quoted Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse.
  78. Feeling like people want me to be funny or tell jokes all of the time.
  79. Trying to be funny and tell jokes all of the time to make myself not feel uncomfortable.
  80. Going to make out with someone, and finding out it's a bear.
  81. Still making out with the bear because you don't want to be impolite.
  82. Not calling the bear afterwards, out of fear of violent reprisal.
  83. Agreeing to at least one date with bear.
  84. Explain to bear that you're really busy, don't want a relationship, just got out of one, or some lame excuse to hide that you're uncomfortable with the possibility of entering into a relationship with a bear.
  85. Avoid bear's calls.
  86. Seeing if you can end this absurdly crazy long list with a big joke.
  87. Realizing you can't and you'll just resort to absurd SEXTS.
  88. SEXT
  89. SEXT
  90. SEXT
  91. SEXT
  92. SEXT
  93. SEXT