A list of driving thoughts from 2009
  1. It feels so good to be out, I should leave my apartment more oft – FUCK YOU, FUCK WAD, YOU JUST ALMOST KILLED ME!
  2. Erin, calm down, now you look like the psycho and you’re not even the one weaving the steel killing machine into oncoming traffic.
  3. I love that Steve Carrell doesn’t dry off after showers. He just puts his clothes on his wet body. Wet Steve Carrell. Oh man, he’s married. Sorry Steve Carrell’s wife.
  4. I should tweet that.
  5. Oh my gosh, it is so beautiful out. I wanna lay in a park somewhere. But not alone. That one time those Russian senior citizen ladies circled me and clucked at me in Russian was scary. The only word I understood was ‘bra.’ Yes, you could see most of my hot pink bra – like my breasts are big enough to offend anybody?
  6. Ooh! Chipotle! Not now, need to be on time.
  7. Okay, really, dude? You’re gonna stop right there? Gruuuughhhh, you moron. You probably have baby morons at home. I can’t wait till they turn 16 and I get to share the road with them!
  8. Why are there two cemeteries called Forest Lawn? At least I’m not there… yep, debt doesn’t look that bad from 6 feet under. Why do people get buried? It’s the most archaic, disgusting practice. You don’t stick something rotting in a box and bury it, you get rid of it! Oh, babies die. Sad.
  9. Oh fuck, forgot my jacket.
  10. No, I didn’t, it’s right there.
  11. Forgot my phone!
  12. Oh, no, it’s here. Wow, way to go, didn’t forget anything, rocking the world.
  13. Is my life so pathetic that I’m congratulating myself for remembering items?
  14. Why do I have such low standards for myself?
  15. Oh, sweet! Love this song! Lightning crashes, a new mother cries. Her placenta falls to the floor. The angel opens her e-e-e-e-e-e-yes, the confusion sets in…
  16. I wonder if anyone is watching me sing, I bet I look sexy and like I don’t care if people are watching. No one is watching. Why do I seem to be the only driver who finds other drivers endlessly interesting? What if the person I’m supposed to fall in love with is in the next car? But he’s like texting? The iPhone has killed my hope for love
  17. I don’t believe in supposed to.
  18. Ooooh now feel it, comin’ back again, like a rollin’ thunder chasin’ the wind!
  19. Bitch, do not rear end me, if you can’t chew gum and drive then… spit out the gum or don’t drive. Good one, Erin.
  20. Who was the last person I kissed? Oh yeah.
  21. Ugh, I think I have cramps. Oh no, I ate 7 cookies before I left. Ooh, McDonalds sundae sounds so good. Gross, you are so gross.
  22. I need to exercise. But I need a job. And I need to write. Life is so hard.
  23. I wish I was Buffy.
  24. What was I going to tweet? No idea.
  25. I wish you got more than one life. I think I’d like to go back and do science. Do science, yeah, that’s what scientists say, “Let’s go do science,” and then they demote a planet.
  26. I love space. I love feeling so tiny in comparison to the solar system and the galaxy and the universe. Getting teary over insignificance. That’s not too suspicious. Get it together, Whitehead.
  27. Punky Brewster was so ahead of her time.
  28. Don’t play in refrigerators. That was a sad episode.
  29. Why are we stopping? No, no, no, NOOOOOOOOOOO! Fucking Hollywood Bowl! They have Amber alerts but not Hollywood Bowl alerts??? Amber is a lost cause, I could have taken a different route! Fuck.
  30. Why aren’t you people at work? Why aren’t I at work? This town is ridiculous.
  31. What are you looking at, you never saw a girl scream alone in her car before?
  32. Hate.
  33. Despair.
  34. Hate.
  35. Pffft.
  36. I smell good. I love coconuts.
  37. I think if I moved to Hawaii I would never leave.
  38. I wonder how terrible it would be to be eaten by a shark. Even if it didn’t bite you some place important, you’d still probably choke screaming under water so it would be over pretty fast. I’d rather get eaten than just have my legs bitten off.
  39. Not really, God, I appreciate life. You know I’m joking.
  40. I wonder if God cares that I’m an atheist everywhere except planes and panic attacks?
  41. He probably gets it.
  42. I don’t even believe in God.
  43. (Just kidding).
  44. Dude! I do not want to buy your crappy homemade Eagles t-shirt you’re smoking all over! Who goes to see the Eagles!? Seriously? Tom Petty gets canceled but the FUCKING EAGLES are making me late? Seriously, dude, no one is going to buy your ashed-on shirts.
  45. Okay. I stand corrected.
  46. I think it’s a bad sign that my farts smell so much like what I just ate. That’s probably a disease.
  47. And my neck hurts. Or the top of my spine. I think I have spinal meningitis.
  48. Normal people love hypochondriacs because they’re so easy to torture.
  49. I’m normal….
  50. Nermal.
  51. I love Garfield. I miss third grade when me and Nick and Vincent all read Garfield and talked about it at recess.
  52. Mark taught that class.
  53. He’s in jail for molestation now.
  54. What if he had molested me. Then I’d have a good explanation for being so messed up.
  55. Sorry, victim girls. Not really.
  56. We did a project with silk worms and when I was walking across the classroom I accidentally kicked over the plastic tub of them and thousands of eggs and worms went flying and we never did get all of them out of the carpet.
  57. Regrets. So many regrets…
  58. Should have kissed JB on the Reeds Beach field in 1994.
  59. Wish I hadn’t yelled at my mom in that Chinese restaurant in front of Mary’s parents.
  60. Wish I hadn’t forgotten to feed Christian Slater, my rat, for so long that she died.
  61. I don’t think I really forgot.
  62. Oh man. I hate myself.
  63. Ooh, need lipgloss.
  64. Glossy, glossy, looking good…. my rearview mirror has the best lighting.
  65. Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry was a good book.
  66. So was The Cay.
  67. We read a lot of good books about black people in fourth grade.
  68. Chad Warren talked about his ass juices a lot. I can’t believe I was his girlfriend for a week even though we never saw each other because it was summer and we couldn’t drive.
  69. I miss my Volvo.
  70. I’ve never eaten at THAT place.
  71. Wine sounds so good right now.
  72. I still need to write that movie idea I got from that Diana Ross story. That was a good idea.
  73. Just remembered my dream! I was adopting a baby. I loved it so much. Aw, that’s sad. Baby dreams and then waking up with no baby.
  74. I do not want a baby. Every time I ovulate it’s like one less child in the playground that is my ovaries: Ovum waiting for a mini van that never comes.
  75. Those tweets I wrote about the jumbo shrimp fetus were great. Why did no one RT them?
  76. I want a coffee.
  77. Coffee, coffee, coffee, coooooooffffffffeeeeeee…. sweet.
  78. Dude, why do you have no parking lot? You have fifty seats and no parking spaces? That is the dumbest fucking – Oh you do. Never mind.
  79. Oh, Closer! Why do you come on the radio right when I’m parking!?
  80. Help me! I broke apart my insides! Help me! I got no soul to sell!
  81. That is such a sad song.