Tips for Cats

  1. Stop watching me clean the litter.
    Guys, c'mon. You need to find better entertainment. I mean really. Get a life. Get nine lives.
  2. A dead bird is not a gift.
    Do I bring home boxes of chocolate for you? No, because I pay attention to what you like. Have you ever seen me eat a dead bird? Chicken doesn't count, smarty pants.
  3. Don't throw up on rugs.
    You're into watching me clean the litter and you're into watching me clean your vomit so do not pretend you don't know it's way easier to clean it off of a hard floor. A woven flower does not vomit disguise; ancient proverb.
  4. You hate it outside your home and yard.
    We have been through this before. You're always very excited about me opening the front door but every time you've gotten out you have ended up crying and dirty in the neighbor's garage. Just say, "Hey, I need some space." I can respect that.
  5. You don't want that much cheese.
    I have already given you two bites. When I give you this third one you're asking about you will sniff it and then walk away disinterested like I was offering it to you in the first place.
  6. You were just inside. I swear.
    Remember when I let you out 2 minutes ago?
  7. You were just outside. I swear.
    Remember when I let you in 2 minutes ago?
  8. Respect my sleep schedule.
    Do I walk up your body and pat your face when you're snoozing in the afternoon? No. Because I know you have things you need to be well rested for. Don't pat my face at 4am.
  9. No one is stealing that rose bush.
    You don't need to mark it with your spray.
  10. You're freaking me out when you stare into middle space suddenly.
    Did you hear an intruder? See a shadow? A ghost? Please don't do that.
  11. I know where your mouth has been.
    You can't think you can lick your anus and then expect me to let you kiss my lips? We're not dating jeez.
  12. The plumber is not trying to take your place.
    You don't need to pee in all the places he set his equipment.
  13. I'm not starving you.
    You really need to learn how to tell time so we can stop having this conversation. You ate one hour ago. If you're so hungry, have some hard food. Don't give me that look.
  14. You're doing great at the emotional support.
    No notes here. Keep doing what you're doing.
  15. Your tiny face is wonderful.
    Never change.