Movies That Are Not as Good as You Remember
- •Enemy MineWe get it, 1980s – racism is bad. But The Fox & The Hound hammers home the same allegory without making me watch Louis Gossett Jr. give birth or do any weird amphibian dancing, and it’s way cuter. And the sets! It looks like they filmed this in someone’s garage. Someone who used to own a lot of alien puppets and poorly constructed space-trees.
- •Pump Up The VolumeRemember this movie? About all the angry kids that no one listens to, man!? Perhaps you forgot, though, that said angry kids have nothing to say or be angry about, and there is almost no footage of Christian Slater without his shirt on. Boo.
- •Altered StatesYes, William Hurt does become a monkeyman in this movie, but it takes FOREVER to get there. Plus he’s a dick to his wife.
- •Tron.I am sorry, nerds, but really – when was the last time you watched it? I mean without falling asleep. Also Jeff Bridges seems really irritated to be in this movie. Like the whole time he’s thinking “I could have been doing Glengarry Glen Ross at the fucking Goodman. UGH!”
- •Lost BoysThe movie in my MEMORY is about Keifer Sutherland’s badass teen vampire tearing shit up on a boardwalk. The actual movie is about Jason Patric’s softdick semi-vampire angsting his way through too many soft-focus montages. But, while it is definitely not as good as I remembered, Keifer Sutherland is still a badass teen vampire in it – the nasty-scary garbagefuck kind, not the diamond-skinned boo-hoo pretty kind – so whatever, fuck this list, I still love Lost Boys.