THINGS PEOPLE FROM CHICAGO TELL YOU ABOUT MOVING TO LA
I'm never gonna make it there.
- •There are 40,000 Caucasian women between the ages of 20-30 trying to be actors.Damn. I guess I should give up. It's just too fierce out there. I bet no one is ever successful. Does this statistic apply to the 30-40 age bracket, too? Anyone want me to play their impossibly young mom or is that a pipe dream, too?
- •All the other actors in audition rooms are vicious mean people.That's so weird because there's just no competition in Chicago. I've had people hand me their roles simply because they felt bad that they got cast over me.
- •No one in LA makes the effort.When asked for clarification on this, the person I was talking to replied, "Like, in anything." Wow. How do you Californians get anything done without effort???
- •Hope you're ready to sit in traffic!This is a tough one because the roads are consistently clear, free, and open in Chicago. Traffic? Never experienced it! I've never once screamed or cried or flipped someone off or watched an entire television show on my phone while sitting on the highway at a dead stop.
- •Hope you like earthquakes!Is that a requirement? To like earthquakes? I've lived in the Midwest my whole life and I definitely don't like tornadoes. Guess the rules are stricter on the coast.
- •Everyone there is in the entertainment business, so good luck meeting anyone who has a normal job.Also going to be hard for me. All my friends in Chicago are lawyers and plumbers and doctors and accountants. I am not friends with one actor, director, or writer here. They just don't exist, nor do they appeal to me!
- •Nobody appreciates art in LA.I knew it. I knew Chicago was the only city that appreciated art. I've seen some big pieces of expensive crap come out of LA and every single piece of theatre I've seen in Chicago is incredible and inspiring. Every. Single. One. They don't even have museums in that desert city, do they? Knew it.
- •You're gonna turn into a health freak.This is awful. Taking care of yourself is for assholes. Everyone knows that!
- •You're gonna miss the change of seasons.I know. I'll probably miss winter most of all. My favorite parts of winter are when my eyelashes freeze together and when two pairs of pants aren't enough and when the heat breaks in your apartment and you have to sleep in your parka. Shit. I'm gonna miss that a lot.
- •Well, Chicago will always be here if you choose to come back.Not what I heard. I heard that as soon as you move cities, the city you came from disintegrates into thin air and you're also forced to relinquish all of your memories of said city. I don't even think I can visit. Brutal, but that's the way life goes.