AN INCREDIBLE THING HAPPENED LAST WEEK
And by incredible, I mean a sort of significant thing in my life that effects no one else.
- •I forgot my ex-boyfriend's phone number.
- •It doesn't sound like much, but for me it was such a huge weight off my shoulders.
- •We dated from the middle of sophomore year to the October after we graduated from college.
- •He was my first boyfriend. And so far he's been the only one.My parents had a rule - no dating until I was 16. And then it just kind of went on after that and I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 19. Didn't even have my first kiss until I was 18. But I was okay with that. I hated that rule growing up but looking back, I get it.
- •We were from different groups and I gave up my friends.He was a jazz drummer. I went to a music school for college. It was quite cliquey. I think most schools are. You hang out with either the people who play the same instrument as you or are studying the same thing. I played the violin but studied performing arts management (pam), so I hung out with other pam people but also a lot of trumpet players. When I started dating him, I stopped hanging out with all of the friends I had made.
- •I can't even say that we dated, we were just suddenly in a relationship.Our relationship almost started like it would when you're in middle school. Two friends know that you like each other so you go in a room together. That's what happened. I was hanging out at his apartment because I was friends with his roommate, and suddenly it was just us in the living room and we went to his room and started making out. And then after a few weeks we came to the decision that we were in a relationship. And so we went forward.
- •When we were in a relationship, I focused on the future.I was convinced that I'd never find another boyfriend so I focused solely on the future instead of the present. Like how we never actually did anything; we just went to class, had sex, I went to his gigs, and watched stuff on our laptops. We never went on dates, or did activities, or went to parties. It never occurred to me that maybe we should have more in common than we went to the same school. But every time I had that thought I'd get scared that I'd be single forever if I broke up with him.
- •The worst part was that I really didn't take care of myself.I didn't recognize that I was so unhappy and I developed a horrible relationship with food. I was constantly binge eating when I wasn't with him and when I was with him, I ate horrible food. Since he was a drummer, he burned off everything. But I wasn't. And I ate what he ate, plus some. In about a year and a half, I gained 100 pounds. It was awful. I wasn't myself anymore. I didn't look like myself and hated myself for it.
- •I gave up what I believed in when I dated him.I'm not a pot smoker. He was. Constantly. I don't think it effects some people, but he changed once he started smoking more. He smoked every day, multiple times a day. He said he would stop once we graduated, and of course he didn't. That was one of the reasons why we broke up. I hated that he lied to me for so long.
- •We broke up in October of 2011. It was mutual.I told him to come over to my place and then he broke up with me. I told him I wanted him to come over so I could break up with him. I saw him once more so we could give each other our stuff back. It's weird when the only people you see are him and his friends. And then nothing. I didn't get to say goodbye to any of them or his family. I didn't stay friends with anyone else from college so I was just alone by myself.
- •For the next few years, I continued my awful eating habits.I still do sometimes. I gained more weight. I went to therapy - it was outpatient intensive therapy for binge eaters. There was group therapy twice a week, art therapy, individual therapy. I saw a nutritionist. It helped, but I didn't lose any weight. I still haven't. In fact I've gained some more. I lost my ability to deal with my feelings so I'd just eat.
- •I was mad at him, for years.I hated him because I blamed him for gaining so much weight. I was so unhappy in that relationship but so afraid that I would never find anyone else, so I stayed. I was pissed off because I felt like he stole something from me. I felt like he stole my college years, that he stole the body that I had, that he stole the one shot I had at having a good relationship. Ultimately, it's on me because I could have made different decisions. But it's how I felt.
- •I had deleted his number from my phone, but I still remembered it.Sometimes I would call him or text him when I was drunk. Even after I found out he was in a happy relationship. I was still so mad at him. And I wanted to tell him that. I think? I'm not sure why I did it.
- •And then this week, I realized I had forgotten his number.I can't remember how the last few digits go, and it is the most amazing feeling. Even though we have been broken up longer than we dated, I still carried around this heavy burden because it felt like all of my body issues and my inability to date since then, are from dating him. But that's not true. Sure, I gained weight while I dated him, but I've had the time to move on. I've had time to lose weight I've just stayed mad at him and haven't wanted to.
- •I'm not sure if anything will come from this.I don't know if I'll start eating better or exercising. But I think forgetting his number will finally let me move on. Because holding this much anger and resentment around for four years has not been healthy. At all. It's been tiring. And I'm ready to move forward.