BROCHOT (JEWISH BLESSINGS) AND WHEN TO SAY THEM

A great thing in Judaism is the robust number of brochot. What's a brocha (singular of brochot)? Well, remember in The Simpsons where Krusty is invited to say the blessing over the meal and he says some stuff in Hebrew? Brocha. And in Mighty Aphrodite where the wife says "Boruch atah Ado-nai Eloheinu melech ha olam, borei pri ha Blow Job?" Brocha.
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    First: the basics. All brochot start with the Hebrew as featured in the intro above. It means "Blessed are you God, Sovereign of the Universe who..." Then, swap out the final words (btw, the Blow Job blessing above isn't real, but the Hebrew is accurate) and insert the magic formula that fits the situation. Better than Harry Potter!!! πŸ’‚πŸ»πŸ‘²πŸΌπŸ‘©πŸ½
    Note: the idea that you are blessing the bread or wine is a myth. You are not blessing the bread. You are praising the Uni-force who MADE the bread.
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    Speaking of bread:
    "Ha motzei lechem min ha aretz: who brings forth bread from the Earth." BTW, wanna know how to make @gabimoskowitz 's kick ass Olive Oil Challah? http://brokeassgourmet.com/articles/olive-oil-challah 🍞🍈
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    And wine:
    "Borei pri hagafen: who creates the fruit of the vine." BTW: Even though grapes grow on vines, this brocha is reserved for wine. Why? Because wine is magical. 🍷
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    Grains:
    "Borei minei mazonot: Who creates different types of nourishment." Grains are different from bread.
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    Vegetables/fruit:
    "Borei pri hadama/ha-etz: who created fruits of the earth/tree."
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    Everything else you eat:
    "Shehakol nihiyei d'dvaro: that everything shall be according to God's word." Yes, this is the outlier. It's this zen prayer you say before anything from drinking water to eating a cancer-causing Kosher hotdog. 🌭
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    Now, some lesser-known but awesome ones...
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    Upon seeing a rainbow:
    "Zocher habrit vne'eman bivrit v'kayam bma'amaro: who remembers the covenant and is trustworthy in the covenant and fulfills His word." The covenant refers to the one after the Flood: the rainbow was the promise that God will never again destiny humanity. I suppose, now, humans will have to agree not to destroy humanity. 🌈
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    Upon seeing strange looking people:
    "Mishaneh briyot: who makes the creations different." Love this one.
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    Upon surviving a near-death experience
    "Sheasah li ness: Who performed me a miracle." This includes flying across the ocean, though these days, I'd use it for surviving any customer-service experience on any major airline except Virgin, which is, itself, a miracle.
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    One I made up...
    Coffee is usually "shehakol" (see above) but I use a blessing from the morning service: "hamaavir Shayna meianai utnunah meiafapai: who sweeps sleep from the eyes and slumber from the eyelids." β˜•οΈ
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    After poo-ing
    "Ha rofesh Kol Basar umafli laasot: who is the healer of flesh and wondermaker." No comment.
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    There are dozens more ...!