THINGS I NON-IRONICALLY SAID TO THE DOG TODAY

  1. You're about to get punched by the cat, you know.
  2. A hall pee gets you a frowny face.
  3. I'm not sure if that sweatshirt is doing you any favors.
  4. Why are you watching Antiques Roadshow again?
  5. Did you just fart on my back?