1. Heres the deal: I think about mermaids a lot. I don't think they're real (I think?) but I still think about them a lot.
  2. So here are the things I think would be real - and more importantly not real - about mermaids, in a scientific sense, if they were real.
  3. Let's start at the beginning: they would have to live really fucking far under water.
    I've watched enough ocean docs to know that mermaids aren't just swimming around where it's light. They would have to live where it's so dark and deep that human technology couldn't capture them.
  4. So they would have to have some different features, like weird eyeballs with night vision or maybe they use echolocation.
    And they would definitely not have lungs, so none of this hanging out above water bullshit.
  5. If mermaids were truly half "fish" and half "human," I don't think that would mean literally half of their body was a fish and half a person.
    My dog is half Dalmatian and half beagle and doesn't have the upper body of one and the lower body of another. That's not how science works, I'm pretty sure.
  6. I think they would be more like this:
  7. And while we're on appearance, there is no way mermaids would wear shell bras, jewelry, makeup, or have magically styled hair. I'm not sure they would have hair at all.
    As fun as this is to think about, how would someone under water apply lipstick or use a curling iron? They would not.
  8. They would also need some way to reproduce. I'm no fish-sex expert, but I know there would have to be some next level shit happening there.
    Fish lay eggs, humans do not.
  9. Also how would the mermaids have come to be? Did a cursed woman or a witch drown, and when the fish tried to eat her they were bewitched and turned into mermaids?
    Just a theory...
  10. Clearly I think about these things too much, but I just have so many questions!
    I also have a weirdly popular Pinterest board about mermaids, if you're interested...
  11. Happy swimming!