ETERNAL HELL AWAITS

Today we ventured into Fort Myers FL. We encountered religious fanatics who warned us that eternal hell awaits if we are guilty of any of the following: (I hope List App works down there)
  1. Drunkards
    Cmon, eternal hell for a little nip? Seems excessive.
  2. Fornicators
    What exactly constitutes fornication? Is there a semantical way around this one?
  3. Jealous
    Give me a break. This is just too picky. Even Mother Theresa was jealous, right?
  4. Unforgiving
    No grudges allowed. We're all fucked.
  5. Prideful
    See above
  6. Homosexuals
    Don't they have a "don't ask don't tell" policy in the nether world?
  7. Porn freaks
    If you want to get to heaven, clear your browsing history NOW!
  8. Potty mouths
    Did I say "fucked" above? Now I'm double fucked.
  9. Pot smokers
    Is there a statute of limitations for pot smokers? And how about medical marijuana?
  10. Abortionists
    Does this refer to anyone whose had an abortion or only to doctors who perform them? It's a moot point. I think we know where we are headed.