WEIRD THINGS MY ROOMMATE HAS SAID

Of course I write this shit down. Like you wouldn't?
  1. "I gotta go pee before I experience the feels"
  2. "I'll be there in two shakes of a dick"
  3. "I always wake up with mad whale tail. Whale tail so hard"
  4. "I took a sip of latte and then a sip of pink lemonade. It tasted like butthole. What happened??!"
  5. "Kiefer Sutherland...sounds like quiche...quiche Sutherland...QUEEFER SUTHERLAND"
  6. "Wow I have so much gas. It's gonna be a fun night. I might step out of the room a few times. I'm doing it to spare you, I'm a polite bitch. You have to be polite when you're from the south!"
  7. "I could never be a surgeon...they have to be way too fucking good at sewing."
  8. "New aesthetic: demoness"
  9. "I don't show affection until I'm completely certain that it will be received well. And then it just flows out of me like diarrhea."
  10. (After taking off purple lipstick with coconut oil) "I look like I ate out a grape"
  11. "Yeah, a lot of babies have acid reflux. I had jaundice"
  12. "You gotta call old people back, ya know? You never know when god's gonna take 'em. I'm an asshole"