Past Relationships: Something I've Been Thinking About a Lot

This is going to be a pretty personal list. I've been thinking about my past relationships a lot, and I think just putting my feelings out here will help me.
  1. Possible TW: suicide/self harm
  2. ....
  3. ....
  4. Okay, so when I was in high school, I dated a lot of toxic people.
  5. Most of my relationships ended horribly.
  6. My first boyfriend broke up with be because I wouldn't have sex with him.
    Shortly after we broke up, I overheard him talking about me saying that I was nice and all, but not pretty at all. I was 13. I still think about that to this day.
  7. My second boyfriend broke up with me.
    When I asked why, he just yelled at me and then stopped talking to me. I was 13.
  8. He then tried to get me back.
  9. When I said no, he threatened to kill himself.
  10. He came into school the next day and showed me the cuts on his arms.
    He told me that it was because of me.
  11. He continued to harass me on and off for the next five years.
    I'm a very forgiving person, and this is a fault of mine. I would tell him I wasn't going to talk to him if he brought up our old relationship. I would always forgive him if he did though. He hasn't talked to me in about a year.
  12. My next boyfriend was a lot better than the previous.
  13. But, after nearly a year of dating, he broke up with me because I had a fear of talking on the phone and I was "too sad" all the time.
    To be fair, I was sad. A lot. And I don't expect someone to stay with me if its bad for their wellbeing. He would get upset when I would tell him I hated talking on the phone that that talking on the phone would give me anxiety. I was 14.
  14. I then had my first girlfriend.
    We only lasted about a month so there isn't much to talk about with that relationship. We are still kind of friends now. No harsh feelings, just drifted apart. I was 15.
  15. I then had another boyfriend.
    He was a really great person. We dated for almost a year. I ended up breaking up with him because we were better off as friends. We still get along really well. I was 16 when we broke up.
  16. I then had my first "serious" girlfriend.
    We had to keep it a secret because her family was really homophobic.
  17. She ended up breaking up with me because her dad found out we were dating and he forced her to break up with me.
    We weren't allowed to talk anymore. He wouldn't let her see me anymore. I cried for hours. Honestly, this still really gets to me. I don't want to self-diagnose, but I was constantly sad after that. I felt so low. I used to self-harm a lot during that time. I lost a lot of friends because they all told me I was too sad all the time and no fun to be around. Which, to be fair, I wasn't any fun to be around. It still hurts though.
  18. I then had another boyfriend.
    We were good for awhile. I would still get into really depressed moods, but he was supportive through it. We dated for about a year. I broke up with him when I was 18 because I no longer felt a connection between us. We didn't see each other a lot and I felt we would be better off as friends.
  19. We were okay for awhile as friends, but he started blaming me for his mental health problems and he became suicidal.
    He was diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder.
  20. He was admitted to a hospital after a suicide attempt.
  21. He is doing a little better now, but he stil talks about how much he wants to die, that no one loves him, that life is pointless.
    I try to help him as much as I can. The last time we hung out, he had a panic attack. He started hitting himself and he kept crying. I physically had to keep him from hitting himself.
  22. However, during all of that, I was with my new (and current) boyfriend, @lubbe1ja
  23. He has been such a supportive and amazing person.
  24. And I can't thank him enough for being such an amazing person.
    We have been dating for over a year now (one year, three months, and 15 days to be exact😉) and I couldn't be more grateful to have him in my life. I love you Jake.❤️
  25. Sorry for the long list. I just wanted to get that off my chest.
  26. Here's a picture of one of my cats.