THINGS THAT IRRITATE ME BUT THEN I FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING IRRITATED ABOUT

Note: Writing this list was cathartic, and also made me feel SO MEAN and SO GUILTY. Many conflicting feelings.
  1. People who talk SO LOUD all the time
    You're sitting literally right next to me. Like, right there. Calm down.
  2. Being irritated when little kids bump into my seat on the plane/run around my legs while walking/scream bloody murder instead of just crying
    I know how hard it is to be a parent on a plane. I know that you shouldn't control everything your kid does. I know little kids are just innocent and exploring the world for the first time. I'm going to be a midwife for god's sake, I should not be annoyed by kids, ever. But my teeth, they clench.
  3. People who walk slow in front of me
    Ok, I don't feel that guilty about this one. I mean, a little, because I should just not care and be more zen. But also: fuck those guys.
  4. Girls who tell every single inane detail of a story in public
    They're just sharing their lives with the only other person who gives a shit, I should be nicer. But also, get to the point, Karen, GOD.
  5. When Asian girls have those giant mirrors and check their eye makeup/pores?
    Your skin is literally flawless, and I didn't even look in the mirror this morning. Stop making me feel inadequate.
  6. When I hear people refer to Stephen Harper as "Mr. Harper"
    I don't feel badly about this one either. He actually might be a dementor, what are you doing?
  7. Dudes who wear their sunglasses on the back of their necks
    UGH WHY
  8. When girls have gel nails and can't stop fondling them
    Has anyone else noticed this? It's like a weird tic. I shouldn't care. Yet here we are.
  9. When girls groom themselves in public
    Stop. Just stop combing your hair and picking at your split ends in public. We all love getting rid of split ends, but I don't want to watch. If you need to put your mascara on, I get it, but go to the bathroom. And for the love of everything, don't cut your nails on a bus (this applies to dudes too).
  10. When bros use really bad pickup lines on OkCupid
    It shouldn't bother me, because our screwed up patriarchal society has told those poor guys that this is what they have to do to be masculine and "get girls". I should help them, not be irritated. But: "Your nickname should be Google because you've got all I've been searching for..."? REALLY? I have a whole profile full of stuff you could draw from to talk to me about.
  11. Girls who wear heels too big and walk like Bambi
    I get it, heels are hard. That's why I don't wear them. But this? This is not a good look.
  12. That I care about any of this.
    I'm a staunch feminist. I don't give a shit about gendered expectations, try to be kind, generally am seen as open-minded and nice. Whyyyy can't I stop being annoyed by these things? Girls and guys should be able to just do whatever they want. I'd support her right to wear anything in public, always. I'd give a guy friend tips on dating in a heteronormative world, and commiserate about the unreasonable expectations the patriarchy places on us all. So why do I have these shallow irritations? Bah.