MY MOM SHOPLIFTED FROM GRACELAND AND OTHER RANDOM TRAVEL THOUGHTS

  1. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time, MOM.
  2. Even though the seats are pre-assigned, I believe that with fierce concentration and just the right amount of avoiding eye contact, I can force my fellow passengers to sit in another goddamn row, thank you very much.
  3. Is there such a thing as a valet parking groupie? Because I'm pretty sure I just met one and it was fucking terrifying.
  4. You haven't truly experienced Graceland unless you've visited with my hopped up on Vicodin, hard-of-hearing mother.
  5. I just ate an entire plate of crispy fried chicken skins. AN ENTIRE PLATE. (drops mic).
  6. Nashville's Broadway Street has the same flop-sweat scent of desperation as Las Vegas.
  7. This is a pretty weird souvenir from Andrew Jackson's Hermitage gift shop. Not sure I get the connection.
  8. Giving up my seat on the plane - $400. pissing off my mother in the process - priceless!
  9. It's not everyday that you see a shop selling both Amish quilts and guns. Bonus - they'll do your laundry! I guess to help with the bloodstains?