25 Ron Swanson Quotes

The man, the myth, the legend
  1. 1.
    When I eat, it is the food that is scared.
  2. 2.
    Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.
  3. 3.
    Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.
  4. 4.
    You had me at meat tornado.
  5. 5.
    Haha, "Euro-trash," I like that. That is indeed a garbage continent.
  6. 6.
    Is Star Wars the one with the wizard boy?
  7. 7.
    Strippers do nothing for me... But I will take a free breakfast buffet any place.
  8. 8.
    When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.
  9. 9.
    I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.
  10. 10.
    I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.
  11. 11.
    Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
  12. 12.
    [On bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.
  13. 13.
    Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.
  14. 14.
    Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait…wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?
  15. 15.
    There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.
  16. 16.
    Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.
  17. 17.
    The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
  18. 18.
    History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.
  19. 19.
    My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton’s Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.
  20. 20.
    Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car?
  21. 21.
    Turkey can never beat cow.
  22. 22.
    There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.
  23. 23.
    Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.
  24. 24.
    Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
  25. 25.
    Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.