The man, the myth, the legend
  1. When I eat, it is the food that is scared.
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  2. Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.
  3. Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.
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  4. You had me at meat tornado.
  5. Haha, "Euro-trash," I like that. That is indeed a garbage continent.
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  6. Is Star Wars the one with the wizard boy?
  7. Strippers do nothing for me... But I will take a free breakfast buffet any place.
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  8. When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.
  9. I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.
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  10. I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.
  11. Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
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  12. [On bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.
  13. Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.
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  14. Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait…wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?
  15. There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.
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  16. Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.
  17. The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
  18. History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.
  19. My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton’s Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.
  20. Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car?
  21. Turkey can never beat cow.
  22. There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.
  23. Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.
  24. Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
  25. Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.