Schmidt's Douchebag Jar

This is a shrine to Schmidt from New Girl's most ridiculous comments. Let us know your favorite!
  1. “Pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses.” (Episode 1.16, “Control”)
  2. “Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this prison?” (Episode 2.1, “Re-Launch”)
  3. “We’re broenemies. He’s my fremesis.” (Episode 1.10, “The Story of the 50”)
  4. “Know this: your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty and Paxil.” (Episode 2.8, “Parents”)
  5. “Outliers — you should read it. Malcolm Gladwell. It’s one of my desert island books, along with Machiavelli’s The Prince, Freak by John Leguizamo, any of the scripts from the first season ofVampire Diaries” (Episode 1.13, “Valentines Day”)
  6. “Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!” (Episode 1.10, “The Story of the 50”)
  7. "You just earned a special thank you in my autobiography."
  8. “Can we just take a moment to celebrate me?” (Episode 1.19, “Secrets”)
  9. “Bathtubs are Medieval filth cauldrons” (Episode 2.10, “Bathtub”)
  10. “Damn it! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere.” (Episode 1.10, “The Story of the 50”)
  11. “Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.” (Episode 1.4, “Naked”)
  12. “There are plenty of things to be down about: air pollution in China, the deficit, The Hobbit wasn’t very good. If I wanted to see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would have gone to Koreatown.” (Episode 2.19, “Quick Hardening Caulk”)
  13. "This place is a cardigan gold mine!"
  14. “Words that have never been used to describe Schmidt: spontaneous, flexible, easygoing. I’m like a Marine.” (Episode 1.16, “Control”)
  15. “I can’t talk right now. I’m writing a strongly worded email to my florist.” (Episode 2.18, “TinFinity”)
  16. “I’m gonna have to run all the way home and I have my slipperiest loafers on.” (Episode 1.16, “Control”)
  17. “Know this: you’re not the only one that’s hurting here, Jessica Day. The economy stinks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels now and I have a broken penis. Don’t pretend to know my pain.” (Episode 1.23, “Backslide”)
  18. “Can someone please get my towel? It’s in my room next to my Irish walking cape.” (Episode 1.11, “Jess and Julia”)
  19. “Youths!” (Episode 1.13, “Valentines Day”)
  20. “I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.” (Episode 1.9, “The 23rd”)
  21. “Befriending Kanye is the most efficient way for me to jump social strata. Now all I have to do is meet him, and then dazzle him to the point that we’re each other’s last call before bed.” (Episode 2.3, “Fluffer”)
  22. “Schmidt happens. Thumb ring, bitch! You’ve got some Schmidt on your face.” (Episode 1.2, “Kryptonoite”)
  23. "The only acceptable pet for a man to have is a salt water fish."