HOW TO ADULT: GOING TO BED

  1. remind yourself that a responsible adult is in bed by midnight
    it does not matter that you did not get out of bed until noon
  2. decide on a reasonable time to make dinner and allow yourself one or two episodes of something on netflix before starting meal prep
  3. watch five episodes before you realize you should have eaten by now
  4. check the kitchen to see what is available
    if possible, find nothing
  5. make yourself a drink instead
    if possible, make a hot cup of tea or cocoa, then forget about it
  6. allow yourself only one more episode before getting ready for bed
  7. watch three episodes
  8. seriously reconsider whether one's face must be washed twice in one day
    it does not
  9. watch one more episode
  10. seriously reconsider whether one's teeth must be brushed again at night
    they do
  11. make one last quick snack, pre-brushing, and enjoy one last episode while you nibble at it
    tip: packages with multiple items inside count as one snack (e.g. pop-tarts, swiss rolls, doritos, etc.)
  12. brush your teeth
    if you consider washing your face again, consider picking at the blemishes on your face instead
  13. reward your responsibility with one last episode
    tip: if you have been watching a downer, switch to an upper for more cheerful dreams...if you have been taking downers, forget the last episode, you won't make it, just crawl halfway into bed and pass out fully clothed
  14. check your phone to see what time it is
  15. realize you've wasted an hour on facebook/instagram/twitter/tumblr
  16. spend another hour on your phone
  17. when your phone dies, check the time on a kitchen appliance
    a computer will also work
  18. realize it's hours past midnight and you still aren't even remotely tired
  19. climb into bed and lie awake in the dark for another hour or two rehashing old anxieties
    try these: that one time i fell down in front of the entire school, that one time i humiliated myself in front of my high school crush, that one time i got caught crying at work, that one time i was rejected...etc.
  20. if you live in an amenable state, smoke a joint
    if you don't live in an amenable state...i'm sorry...
  21. finally fall asleep to the sound of your phone powering back on after you plug it in and lay it on your nightstand
  22. wake up at noon the next day
    this works best on weekdays
  23. repeat