Why my "I don't think I can do relationships" thing isn't fully resolved while I'm in a relationship

I like him a lot, but I might be a rollercoaster, and he has Aspergers, and I have Avoidant personality disorder
  1. 1.
    ✔️1.A the pro: Somedays I start feeling suffocated by myself, and decided that this day is just gonna be space day because I feel like shit, then he texts and a part of me feels like I have to , I must see him.
    my nausea, suffocation, and internal dark cloud clears up for a tiny bit, because of a sense of duty that is elicited in me, but then comes back when I realize that what I did isn't what I really actually wanted to do :/
  2. 2.
    🔴1.B the con: I am generally incapable(think suffocation, nausea, feeling deeply irritated by them and yourself and want to disappear forever) seeing the same people more than a few hours 3 times a week, that's why I see my best friends once or twice a week at most, and at least twice a month.
    But I am generally able to see him at least 5 times a week before I feel like I need 1 day of space (approximation)
  3. 3.
    ✔️ONE RESOLVED THING: having him around most of the time doesn't make me irritable🎉
  4. 4.
    🔴still go through feeling clingy and stupid, event without communicating
  5. 5.
    🔴worry a lot abt what he thinks of me, and try not to bring it up when I suddenly get into that worry phase face, because : redundancy
  6. 6.
    🔴I'm very okay to giving him all the space he needs, but he rarely asks for it, it gets to the point where: I apologize for inviting him over since I don't know if he came cause he felt obligated.
  7. 7.
    🔴jealousy :/ and thinking that I don't deserve him
  8. 8.
  9. 9.
    🔴notice his change in behavior and panic, especially since he wouldn't exactly know what he is feeling, so I'll assume I did some thing wrong and he hates me
  10. 10.
    🔴investing a lot more in attention and more even when I need a LOT of space or are having doubts, because of guilt and shame
  11. 11.
    but for some reason, one unsolicited kiss or snuggle just make my demons 💣
  12. 12.
    it's slightly exhausting to be me :/
  13. 13.