Why Passions Was the Bestworst Thing Ever on Tv

This was a request from @anna! Here are some things about the late, lamented NBC soap Passions that were awesome or, if not actively awesome, noteworthy.
  1. Precious, the orangutan nurse who was in love with Luis.
    She would have elaborate fantasies about them doing the tango, or him making her banana smoothies, or being an adventurer rescuing her (and THEN making her banana smoothies). Please note: She was a surprisingly competent medical professional. Between her and Dr. Leo Spacemen, I pick her.
  2. Galen Gering
    Who played Luis, and always appeared totally game to film fantasy love scenes starring an orangutan, and who was so hot that I had to sit down the time I saw him at Crate & Barrel.
  3. The fact that Eve was the only doctor in town
    Which meant she both botched Theresa's procedure where she ended up carrying babies with two different fathers (I think?? Regardless, T ended up with an embryo that definitely wasn't hers) and also was assigned to re-attach Julian's penis. Which she also botched because she was drunk.
  4. The time Julian couldn't get aroused or he would DIE because Drunk Eve reattached his castrated wang backward.
    We got WEEKS of him finding elaborate sexual double entendre in the weirdest of places, and then peeking at his crotch looking terrified.
  5. THE SHED.
    You will never forget the shed. Is what the show promised. But the inside of the shed was TOTALLY LAME.
  6. Talking Hate Candles
    They were full of advice. They told Liz to go in the shed, why to go in the shed, how to go in the shed, and then not to forget what she saw in the shed. (Which was still lame.)
  7. The time the tsunami came and Katherine Crane surfed a coffin through town.
    This made its way into THE ROYAL WE
  8. That time no one could tell Antonio anything or his brain fog - THEIR TERM - would make his head explode.
  9. When everyone was stuck in the Bermuda Triangle for AGES and whenever they talked about it, they made a triangle with their hands.
  10. Julian Crane carrying around a book called HOW TO MURDER YOUR SISTER AND GET AWAY WITH IT.
    He did not murder her but she did end up buried alive for a while. In fairness, that was her idea.
  11. This isn't even getting into the time Julian fathered a child with his own hermaphrodite child. Who was also a serial killer?
    This was not their most progressive storyline.
  12. When Whitney decided to ENTER THE NUNNERY
    Of course there was a nunnery adjacent to this small town, where everyone was Catholic. (The priest was blind, which was often convenient.). She had to take the veil because she was in love with her own brother. A statute of the Virgin Mary cried. When it turned out he wasn't really her brother it was surprisingly easy to abandon her vows.
  13. The one above this reminded me that Passions therefore has TWO incest stories. If ever there was a show to treat these issues sensitively, it was not this one.
  14. That time someone's house got sucked into Hell.
  15. That time Theresa came within five seconds of being burned alive at a crematorium.
    I believe her coffin was even IN the furnace.
  16. Or when Theresa also ended up in Hell for some reason or another and Hitler was all wandering around in the background.
  17. How the first two weeks of the show they pretended Sheridan Crane was BFF w Princess Diana.
    They may have implied they were on the phone during the car crash. IT WAS NOT TASTEFUL.
  18. The show's reliance on having Luis and Hank (Ryan McPartlin aka Captain Awesome from "Chuck") have expository convos whilst shirtless in showers.
  19. Poor Timmy the Living Doll!
    The actor died FOR REAL the same day that his character "died" what was supposed to be a temporary death on the show, which is sad and also chilling.
  20. True story: Jessica once got pulled over for running a red light and told the cop she was trying to get home in time for Passions.
    This was honest and I knew it was a calculated risk: either he'd find this charming and amusing and give me a warning, or I'd get a ticket. I got a ticket.
  21. FOX CRANE
    As played by Justin Hartley, who has BUCKETS OF CHARISMA, just a really solid Charming Bad Boy With a Secret Heart of Gold character.
  22. No shame about extreme sexual role playing.
  23. TC being treated as if his chronic rageaholism is totally normal behavior
  24. TC the Rageaholic telling everyone that singing jazz turned Eve into a degenerate drunk hooker, and disowning their daughter for also wanting to sing jazz.
    You have never heard an angrier delivery of the word "jazz."
  25. That time where four characters got up at a jazz club -- which did not turn them into drunk hookers -- and sang an original song, then they had to repeat that scene for three weeks straight because other stuff was happening in the foreground and nobody thought, "Hey, let's just make it the next day so that these actors don't have to keep singing."
  26. Dialogue like, "Do you know when your father, Police Chief Sam Bennett, will be home?"
  27. Ivy tried to stop a wedding once by driving her car into the church. It was spectacular.
    She did not succeed, nor did the Virgin Mary statue do so much as sneeze.
  28. That character who was always making tomato soup cake for people.
  29. Apparently, small New England towns - in addition to being prone to being hell sinkholes and places of magic - also have a real problem with the French mafia.
    It's complicated, but they are ultimately why Sheridan Crane decided to bury herself alive.
  30. The show's absolute insistence that magic was real.
    Juliet Mills - who is, fun fact, married to Maxwell Caulfield, MANY years her junior - was a really great witch, though. The storyline where she and Julian fell in love was amazing. They may be my OTP.
  31. I FEEL like there was a Christmas plot line that involved a literal Baby Jesus but we might just be imagining that one.