HOW TO MINIMIZE PAIN FOR A BIKINI WAX

Just a trim or whole hog, it's going to smart either way. I've been waxing for 22 years; here is how I have found it hurts less.
  1. Exfoliate the day before and a few days before that with something good and tough
    I use my pumice stone to unearth any wannabe hairs
  2. Don't drink alcohol the night before or day of
    I live and die by this; I also don't go on any benders leading up to the appointment; I just don't bounce back like I used to
  3. Take a couple of your favorite ibuprofen an hour and a half or so before your appt
    Or the maximum dose, to minimize inflammation
  4. Do not come straight from the gym or just having had sex
    Your vag will be all agitated and engorged and you want to minimize that
  5. If you're getting your ass waxed I advise against a thong
    Any residual wax will give you hell to pay later; also I strongly advise you to get your ponytail done- it doesn't hurt at all somehow and the "clean wipe" factor is a game changer
  6. A full Brazilian should take a skilled waxer about 15 minutes; you can hang, I know you can
    The worst is in your head leading up to it
  7. Practice Happy Baby pose
    It's not as happy when you're holding as wide as possible as long as possible
  8. Crack a joke
    She is applying hot wax to your vagina and ripping out your hairs; cut everyone some slack. Prime time: Valentine's Day season. Everyone trying something fresh for their boo. I usually open with "have you seen ALL of the city's vaginas today or are you saving a few special ones for tomorrow?"
  9. Find your yoga breathing; exhale on the pull
    Don't tense up!
  10. Stick to a schedule
    For me, 4 weeks is the sweet spot; just enough growth for real grab, not so much that my waxer needs to detangle before she depilates
  11. Find a place or person you like and stick with it
    Familiarity eases the tension which eases the pain; I found a salon I liked and just trotted around table to table like a goddamned show pony; each waxer was highly trained so I didn't worry after round three
  12. The week after your period is least painful
    PMS is the worst; this should be obvious
  13. The full moon is most painful
    This may be a Brasilian old wives' tale but I have tested it and it is true
  14. Remove any leftover wax residue with coconut oil or cocoa butter
    There's nothing these two things can't do; rub a little on directly where the wax is and work it off, shouldn't hurt at all
  15. If you can't avoid exercise or sex immediately after a wax, wash up thoroughly to avoid ingrowns
    Ingrowns and bumps happen like zits- blocked pores; antibac soap and water to keep it clear until the pores heal up and then ride, Sally, ride
  16. If it crazy town hurts, try topical lidocaine spray and apply it a few minutes before your appointment
    Or call @AlexandraLouise; I bet she has a tip or two for minimizing pain
  17. If it still crazy town hurts then leave it alone and enjoy nature's bounty
    Because your vagina is a beautiful gift to yourself no matter how you groom it; haters don't deserve your luscious beauty