TRUTHS ABOUT MY BAT MITZVAH

  1. My theme was "India," and no one stopped to tell me that it wasn't very pc and I might have been doing some light racial profiling. All this really meant was that there were a lot of colorful pillows on the floor and Jay-Z's Punjabi MC played 45 times.
  2. During my candle lighting ceremony, I had an unfortunate nip slip as I was reaching down to help my 97 year old great aunt Rhoda with her candle.
  3. My dress cost more than two months of my current rent.
  4. The week before I let one of my friends cut my hair into bangs and my mom had such a panic that she took me to the Bronx to have them put in hair extensions just in the bang section. I pulled them out that night.
  5. My swag bag included a wife beater tank that said my name in Hebrew, and for no explicable reason to me Sarah Jessica Parker was featured wearing the shirt in an issue of Us Weekly. I still never figured out how she got it...
  6. I tried my first tequila shot which was given to me by a motivational dancer named January who I begged my parents NOT to hire because all the boys would have her at their bar mitzvahs and she would grind with them. We cried together in the bathroom after we shared the shot about boys. She was 33.
  7. My parents hired a professional whistler to fuck with me because they thought it would embarrass me in front of my friends. They were right.
  8. Katz deli was my caterer. After my EPIC nip slip I wore the iconic "send a salami to your boy in the army" tee shirt for the rest of the night.