1. Your political views make me uncomfortable but we are related so I can't unfriend you.
  2. We used to sleep together and now it makes me feel weird to see photos of your omelette.
    And your wife.
  3. I accepted your friend request at a time when I was saying yes to more things than I am now.
  4. I am not interested in the multi-level marketing product you are pushing.
  5. You post a lot about your child's potty training and not in a funny way.
  6. You post vague but emo statuses.
  7. You always fall for that bi-annual hoax that if you don't post some made-up legalese, Mark Zuckerberg will own all your photos and your firstborn child and your kidneys.
  8. You don't know the difference between "your" and "you're."
  9. We used to be close but aren't anymore.
    Don't worry, I'll still check your page when I miss you.
  10. You post inspirational picture quotes.
  11. I haven't forgotten how mean you were in junior high.
  12. You are still playing fucking FarmVille.
    What do you think this is, 2008?