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Speaking from experience.
- 1.Sleep as long as possible.This is the most important step and it's very difficult if you also have a small child or two or three or however many you truly thought can care for (haha!) Your little one doesn't give a fuck that your head feels on the brink of bursting every time they shriek "ice cream!" they will do it over and over. God invented the tv spevifically to babysit your spawn so you can sleep off last night's mistake. Just put on whatever shit show they like and turn the volume to barely audible. Sleep.
- 2.Take a multivitamin.I still take my prenatals just for this reason. Last time I saw my doctor, he was like, "I see you're still taking your prenatal vitamin, you aren't trying to get pregnant are you?" I was like, "HA no! I just drink too much sometimes and I need to replenish the shit the poison killed."
- 3.Drink a smoothie.No coffee, not yet. First, replenish. I use a kale and spinach blend, mangoes and pineapples and almond milk. The most important part is to add seeds. Chia seeds give you that energy you are now seriously depleted of. Flax seeds will battle those terrible beer shits. Use both if you can. *nota bene: remember to wear sunglasses while you get shit out of the fridge; that light is a bastard to your hungover head.*
- •You're eating a buttered hotdog bunAnd it. is. uh. mazing.
- •You are being supportive to a vomiting friend whilst thoroughly enjoying said hotdog bun.
- •You're using the word "cathartic" to describe both your Pokémon Go streak as well as the megashit you took this morning.
- •Seemingly endless energy
- •Invisible pores
- •My grandparents
what a waste of my Wednesday nights.
- •What to do when your little bundle of joy is so mean to you.I obviously know to play it tough and not let her see me cry- I DID go to middle school so I have some experience with bullies- but what do I do when she leans in as to kiss me and I pucker up and close the gap between us and she straight psyches me out and punches me in the eye?
- •Diapers: what's the difference between the brands and the subcategories WITHIN the brands?The teacher lady touched on diapers and "diapering" a bit. We put diapers on baby dolls. Mine was an Asian boy which is basically the complete opposite of the baby I was toting around in my Baby-Bake Oven and as I was wiping the plastic little peepee with a dry wipe I was like, "wtf am I learning this for?" I knew from the bang I wasn't about to use cloth diapers (sorry, Planet, but I already fucked you by procreating) but, when I went to the store, I was floored. Oh the multitude of shitpads.
- •Durability.Uhm...so, when they start walking and climbing on shit, they're bound to fall sometimes. It's what happens. My baby has fallen off the couch, down the 3 stairs (carpeted, but, still no bueno,) off my bed, she's hit her head on the door jamb and coffeetable. I never took her to the hospital or anything because she was over a year old and, kids fall, right? I wish the teacher would have drawn a graph or something to be like, "this distance+this age+this landing=hospital or nah."
- •How to get your little one to expand their musical horizon.I swear to Todd...I don't give a single fuck about the wheels, babies, windows, or people on the goddamn bus. But, I worked at Starbucks so I'm constantly thankful to hear any song that isn't sung by Josh Groban or Sarah McLaughlin.
I think I'm a lesbian.
So hard to only pick 10. #iasip
- 1.Frank's Pretty Woman"Shut up baby dick."
- 2.Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person"They took you, Nightman and you don't belong to them. They've locked me in a world of darkness without your sexy hands."
- 3.Paddy's Pib: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens"Is your cat making TOO MUCH NOISE all the time? Is your cat constantly stomping around driving you crazy? Is your cat clawing at your furnitures? Think there’s no answer? You’re so stupid. There is!"
(because I really, really hate them.)
- •My freckles.
- •Those videos of unlikely animal friendships."Awwwww! The hyena is protecting the doe!!" BFD; call me when they fuckin.
- •Disney(World/Land.)If you are a grown-ass, childless person and Disney is your vacation hotspot, we have nothing in common.
- •Your child ('s censored ears.)If you expect me to say "freakin" and "shoot" instead of "fuckin" and "shit," don't . Because I won't. I didn't choose to raise your kid with a skewed perception of reality and it's not my responsibility to play along.
There's just so much. but, above sall, he's taught us that our noses really aren't so bad.
- •"Remember to always think twice. (Do think twice!!)"Billie Jean
- •"If you can't feed the baby, don't have the baby."Wanna Be Startin Something
- •"If you wanna make the world a better place take a look at yourself and then make a change."Man in the Mirror