A step-by-step how-to guide for nursing your hangover aka becoming human again

Speaking from experience.
  1. 1.
    Sleep as long as possible.
    This is the most important step and it's very difficult if you also have a small child or two or three or however many you truly thought can care for (haha!) Your little one doesn't give a fuck that your head feels on the brink of bursting every time they shriek "ice cream!" they will do it over and over. God invented the tv spevifically to babysit your spawn so you can sleep off last night's mistake. Just put on whatever shit show they like and turn the volume to barely audible. Sleep.
  2. 2.
    Take a multivitamin.
    I still take my prenatals just for this reason. Last time I saw my doctor, he was like, "I see you're still taking your prenatal vitamin, you aren't trying to get pregnant are you?" I was like, "HA no! I just drink too much sometimes and I need to replenish the shit the poison killed."
  3. 3.
    Drink a smoothie.
    No coffee, not yet. First, replenish. I use a kale and spinach blend, mangoes and pineapples and almond milk. The most important part is to add seeds. Chia seeds give you that energy you are now seriously depleted of. Flax seeds will battle those terrible beer shits. Use both if you can. *nota bene: remember to wear sunglasses while you get shit out of the fridge; that light is a bastard to your hungover head.*
  4. 4.
    Water + ibuprofen.
    Take 2-4 ibuprofen with 16oz of water. Slam the water like you slammed those 40s last night. Then drink some more water. And just keep drinking water and peeing.
  5. 5.
    Coffee.
    Once you've been adequately hydrated, you get your coffee. I know you need it.
  6. 6.
    Gravy.
    Gravy of any kind, on anything (or, in desperate situations, on its own like a soup,) will comfort your tummy like a blanket. I prefer brown gravy on hangover days and I like it on fries or I'll dip a grilled cheese sandwich in it.
  7. 7.
    Shower.
    You need it; whiskey is seeping from your pores and everyone smells it.
  8. 8.
    Beer.
    Just one! You gotta keep shit regulated.
  9. 9.
    Drink more water.
    Until you become apart of the sea.
  10. 10.
    Be the best you!
    Now that you're feeling better, you have to make up for being an asshole earlier that day. Turn off the "babysitter" and play with your kid. Coloring is a hangover-friendly activity as it requires no blinking toys and no annoying, tinkering sounds. I do suggest wearing sunglasses during this as those crayons are bright af. Apologize to your significant other for the mean things you said today and last night when you were blasted. And you should let the dog out for a wee.