BEING A NEW MOM IS

I've been a mom for a whole month now and this is what it's been:
  1. Standing in the shower without washing.
    I just get in the shower and stand there, reveling in the silence, tears streaming down my face, for a good 20 minutes. Then, just when I start lathering up, the water gets cold, I hear the baby start to cry, and milk starts pouring from my nips. In the words of Eminem, "Snap back to reality."
  2. Pooping with the door open.
    And a baby staring at you (or screaming at you) while in her swing outside the open door.
  3. Putting makeup on with one hand.
    Applying false lashes with one free hand while the other holds a wriggling baby closely to my chest.
  4. Having one small compartment in your purse for your own things.
    The rest of the purse is filled with diapers, wipes, baby socks and shirts, vitamins and pacifiers. I have one pocket for my wallet, knife, brass knuckles, and lipstick.
  5. Reaching deep down to your plums to retrieve the last shred of patience you have.
    When you wake up from a mere half hour of sleep to a baby screaming at 3am and you "literally can't even," you literally fucking must.
  6. Reheating your food 80 million times.
    Take a bite, pick the baby back up, feed her, burp her, more food for her, now she pooped, now she threw up on her clothes, change her again, feed her again, now she's asleep (finally,) take another bite, oh my god that's disgustingly cold, put it in the microwave, repeat.
  7. Doing a really important job you don't know how to do.
    You've had minimal training, all the instructions were in Russian, and the job changes every single day. But don't fuck it up.
  8. Spending the day with poop or pee or puke or all three on you.
    What you typically would have instantly washed off while shrieking you now just let stay on your sleeve. Or neck. Or stomach. Because you have a million other things that need to be done before you can tend to the poop smeared up your forearm.
  9. Pouring a glass of wine at 4:50pm.
    And just staring at the digital clock on the oven for 10minutes (9, who's going to tell?) because your brain is going to explode but you also refuse to be a stay-at-home-wino.
  10. Magical.
    Seeing her look back at me, her unintentional smiles, the adorable way her lips go "ohhh" when she poops... I've never done anything to be deserving of such joy. Best job I've ever had, hands down.