No, I don't want to attend your wedding but I will. Because I'm a nice fucking person. Be nice back by kindly refraining from the following clichés:
  1. Bride in a strapless gown regardless of how much backfat she has splooging out of it.
    You look like a busted can of biscuits. A beautiful, busted can of biscuits because this is your day but, still. Stop. Put on some sleeves.
  2. Bullshit homemade centerpieces.
    Very hipster and trendy and economical and poor, I know. But, as a guest, I'd prefer literally anything else compared to this weird pinecone with straw tied around it. Suggestion: scatter some M&Ms on the table instead. Everyone loves M&Ms.
  3. Choreographed dances.
    Wow! You and the bridesmaids/groomsmen did a choreographed dance to Usher and Alicia Keys' "My Boo"?! I've never seen this on a trillion YouTube videos before😱
  4. 1 Corinthians 13.
    Love is patient, love is kind, but I am not. Shut the fuck up with this overly quoted bible verse and have some originality, ya filthy animal.
  5. Getting married in a barn.
    Again, it's cheap, it's trendy, it makes for some hipstery photos, but you're going to make me cross through a fucking field in stilettos? What kind of sick motherfucker are you?
  6. Dancing down the aisle.
    See "Choreographed dances." We all have seen some "quirky" couple defying the social norm of walking down the aisle and choosing to dance instead. It's been done by the best of them, by the worst of them, and everyone in between. It doesn't need to be done by you too.
  7. No alcohol.
    Listen up, assholes. The serving of alcohol whether through an open or cash bar is a wedding tradition as equally sanctified as wearing a white wedding dress or making out with your (2nd) cousin. If you choose to have a dry wedding, be it for moral or financial reason, you are the satan my nana has been warning is out to get me my entire life. And all these years I just laughed at her and publicly humiliated her for having Alzheimer's.
  8. Sparklers.
    Don't get me wrong, I love fire just as much as the the next pyro-erotic (that's what they call people who are sexually attracted to Charizard, right?) what I don't love are those cliché photos of the bride and groom at night forming a fiery heart around them with sparklers. That was one Pinterest idea you should have pinned to the "fuck no" board.
  9. Cupcakes.
    Oh my god so trendy! So quirky! Almost as good of an idea as those pinecone centerpieces.
  10. The groom is wearing sneakers.
    "Oh my god is he wearing Converse?! But he's wearing a tuxedo! Oh my god that's TOO FUNNY! He takes things seriously but not too seriously! And she's so cool for letting him wear those! Wow! What a cool, funny, quirky, original, hip, awesome couple! They DEFINITELY won't get divorced!"