THINGS THAT SEEM MORE APPEALING THAN SLEEP-TRAINING MY 4MONTH OLD
There's just screaming all.night.long. Plus the baby's crying.
- •A tampon made out of sandpaper.
- •Seafood from a diner.
- •Getting finger-blasted by the butler with the gimpy hand from Scary Movie 2
- •Eating a Mexican sno-cone.
- •A movie where Nicolas Cage plays every role, Eddie Murphy style.
- •Letting my dad's friend Karl finally touch my boobs.
- •Spending every day back in seventh grade.
- •Cooking dinner for a vegan.
- •Responding, "Yes, actually, I have a shit-ton of time to hear about the healing powers of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ."
- •Listening to a book-on-tape narrated by Gilbert Godfrey.
- •Telling my dad about all the guys I've banged.
- •Telling my dad about all the girls I've banged.
- •Sucking a hobo's dick.
- •Living without carbs.
- •Being black man in a hoodie walking past a cop.
- •Pooping on a plane.
- •Playing on a merry-go-round whilst shwasted.
- •Supporting Donald Trump.