THINGS THAT SEEM MORE APPEALING THAN SLEEP-TRAINING MY 4MONTH OLD

There's just screaming all.night.long. Plus the baby's crying.
  1. A tampon made out of sandpaper.
  2. Seafood from a diner.
  3. Getting finger-blasted by the butler with the gimpy hand from Scary Movie 2
  4. Eating a Mexican sno-cone.
  5. A movie where Nicolas Cage plays every role, Eddie Murphy style.
  6. Letting my dad's friend Karl finally touch my boobs.
  7. Spending every day back in seventh grade.
  8. Cooking dinner for a vegan.
  9. Responding, "Yes, actually, I have a shit-ton of time to hear about the healing powers of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ."
  10. Listening to a book-on-tape narrated by Gilbert Godfrey.
  11. Telling my dad about all the guys I've banged.
  12. Telling my dad about all the girls I've banged.
  13. Sucking a hobo's dick.
  14. Living without carbs.
  15. Being black man in a hoodie walking past a cop.
  16. Pooping on a plane.
  17. Playing on a merry-go-round whilst shwasted.
  18. Supporting Donald Trump.