Things they should have taught me in Having a Baby 101 OTHER THAN swaddling

what a waste of my Wednesday nights.
  1. What to do when your little bundle of joy is so mean to you.
    I obviously know to play it tough and not let her see me cry- I DID go to middle school so I have some experience with bullies- but what do I do when she leans in as to kiss me and I pucker up and close the gap between us and she straight psyches me out and punches me in the eye?
  2. Diapers: what's the difference between the brands and the subcategories WITHIN the brands?
    The teacher lady touched on diapers and "diapering" a bit. We put diapers on baby dolls. Mine was an Asian boy which is basically the complete opposite of the baby I was toting around in my Baby-Bake Oven and as I was wiping the plastic little peepee with a dry wipe I was like, "wtf am I learning this for?" I knew from the bang I wasn't about to use cloth diapers (sorry, Planet, but I already fucked you by procreating) but, when I went to the store, I was floored. Oh the multitude of shitpads.
  3. Durability.
    Uhm...so, when they start walking and climbing on shit, they're bound to fall sometimes. It's what happens. My baby has fallen off the couch, down the 3 stairs (carpeted, but, still no bueno,) off my bed, she's hit her head on the door jamb and coffeetable. I never took her to the hospital or anything because she was over a year old and, kids fall, right? I wish the teacher would have drawn a graph or something to be like, "this distance+this age+this landing=hospital or nah."
  4. How to get your little one to expand their musical horizon.
    I swear to Todd...I don't give a single fuck about the wheels, babies, windows, or people on the goddamn bus. But, I worked at Starbucks so I'm constantly thankful to hear any song that isn't sung by Josh Groban or Sarah McLaughlin.