Things they should have taught me in Having a Baby 101 OTHER THAN swaddling
what a waste of my Wednesday nights.
- •What to do when your little bundle of joy is so mean to you.I obviously know to play it tough and not let her see me cry- I DID go to middle school so I have some experience with bullies- but what do I do when she leans in as to kiss me and I pucker up and close the gap between us and she straight psyches me out and punches me in the eye?
- •Diapers: what's the difference between the brands and the subcategories WITHIN the brands?The teacher lady touched on diapers and "diapering" a bit. We put diapers on baby dolls. Mine was an Asian boy which is basically the complete opposite of the baby I was toting around in my Baby-Bake Oven and as I was wiping the plastic little peepee with a dry wipe I was like, "wtf am I learning this for?" I knew from the bang I wasn't about to use cloth diapers (sorry, Planet, but I already fucked you by procreating) but, when I went to the store, I was floored. Oh the multitude of shitpads.
- •Durability.Uhm...so, when they start walking and climbing on shit, they're bound to fall sometimes. It's what happens. My baby has fallen off the couch, down the 3 stairs (carpeted, but, still no bueno,) off my bed, she's hit her head on the door jamb and coffeetable. I never took her to the hospital or anything because she was over a year old and, kids fall, right? I wish the teacher would have drawn a graph or something to be like, "this distance+this age+this landing=hospital or nah."
- •How to get your little one to expand their musical horizon.I swear to Todd...I don't give a single fuck about the wheels, babies, windows, or people on the goddamn bus. But, I worked at Starbucks so I'm constantly thankful to hear any song that isn't sung by Josh Groban or Sarah McLaughlin.