Inspired by @socks
- •first friendElizabeth H. in kindergarten. She really liked horses. Our biggest fight was over a granola bar. She found a new best friend in 4th grade and she started going by Betty. She's really annoying now. I won't follow her back on Twitter.
- •first crushJoey P. in 1st grade. We held hands at recess. He put his head on my shoulder during story time. He gave me his favorite Pokémon card. He made my heart flutter.
- •first petA red betta fish named Olly. I constantly forgot to feed him yet he lived almost ten years. One day, I was cleaning his bowl and he jumped down the drain. RIP.
- •first broken heartJoey went to another school in 2nd grade. I was devastated. He moved back when we were in 4th grade and started bullying me. Fuck you, Joey.
- •first kissI was in 6th grade. Joey took my bike and crashed it into a dumpster. I yelled at him. He responded by pushing me against the dumpster and kissing me. I slapped him across the face and walked home. Fuck you, Joey.
- •first periodI was in 7th grade jazz band. We were playing "Soul Man" and I stood up for my sax solo. I was wearing a white skirt. It was bad.
- •first bad gradeAccelerated analysis in 11th grade. The teacher hated me and was super rude to me the whole year. He tried to get me kicked out of the class and then he asked me to score him tickets to the spring musical. I aced the second semester just to spite him.
- •first jobThe summer after I graduated high school, I worked in a dollar store. I hated it. My managers were awful and would sneak off to get loaded in the back. It was the first of many shitty retail jobs.
- •first highIt was my freshman year of college. We hot boxed my friend's car and went to the campus planetarium. We didn't know there was a lecture going on. The only available seats were in the front and everyone knew we were baked. The professor made a bunch of lame star jokes and we tried so hard not to laugh.
- •first timeIt was my sophomore year of college. Josh H. and I were trapped in the dorms during a blizzard. My roommates went home for the weekend. We drank whiskey, watched The Office, and listen to The Rolling Stones. It took him forever to leave the next morning. I lost my virginity to "Wild Horses" 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄.