Requested by Boogie

If I Became Famous, It Would Probably Be For...

  1. An embarrassing news clip that went viral
    It would most likely be of me falling down.
  2. Ending up on a season of the Serial podcast
    Remember when I was on jury duty last year for like three weeks? I still feel weird about that trial...
  3. Dating a Harlem Globetrotter
    Okay so it's a long story but I actually did match with a Globetrotter on Tinder once. He never messaged me back but maybe one day our paths will cross again, we'll date, and I'll be insta famous or something.
  4. Getting into a twitter war with Taylor Swift
    The way I would want it to happen: I start dating one of her exes and she subtweets me out of jealously. The way it would most likely happen: I finally snap one day after having to listen to one of her shitty songs for the millionth time at work and I tweet something nasty @ her. Her fans come at me hard and I delete all of my social media accounts in order to stop getting death threats from 13 year-olds.
  5. Playing a small role in an indie movie
    One of my film major friends actually makes it big and I worm my way onto the set.
  6. Running for office with my coworker/work wife
    She's incredibly smart and successful. She's actually had two papers (that she wrote for fun) officially promoted by two different presidential campaigns. She often calls me her Biden so if she ends up going to the top, she might take me with her.
  7. Being Oscar Isaac's baby mama
    He leaves his gf/wife/whatever to be with me and at first the public hates me because I'm the young whore who broke up his family. I am eventually forgiven by everyone when they see our perfect, tan baby with the best head of hair and eyebrows anyone has ever seen.
  8. Hosting a podcast that everyone loves to hate
    It's just an hour of me yelling movie hot takes once a week.
  9. A viral bank robbery
    I get robbed at work again and the media gets ahold of the security footage in which you see me roll my eyes while I ask the robber, "Are you done yet?" It's an instant hit and I get to go on Ellen.
  10. Being sued by Oprah Winfrey
    She finds out that I've been using her name as an alias at bars and she's not happy about it.
  11. Becoming the oldest college student ever without a degree
    Almost there!