5 phases I go through in a single conversation with my mother

My mom and I have... a complicated relationship. This is a breakdown.
  1. 1.
    Delicately hopeful
    Maybe this time things will go smoothly and I won't react viscerally to her suggestions for self-improvement
  2. 2.
    Sharp pins and needles
    The suggestions and comments and nitpicking insults start coming. At this point I bite the inside of my cheek and hope the salty taste can distract me from seeing red
  3. 3.
    Brain hemorrhaging
    Everything I say or do is totally wrong. Why can't I just be quiet and listen! Things would be so much easier on me if I just became an entirely different person as per her suggestions. Look for bleeding through the ears.
  4. 4.
    The Last Straw
    Usually I get angry and snap, making some completely inappropriate jab at something unrelated to the question at hand. The penultimate peril.
  5. 5.
    The Explosion
    The reaction to aforementioned unnecessary comment. Leads to an exchange of words that very much resembles the flinging of steaming shit