After making this list, I've realized I'm not a very exciting conversationalist.
  1. "So I was listening to NPR this morning..."
    A guy once told me "maybe you should take a break from NPR. You talk about it a lot." Guess someone was just jealous of my trove of semi-useless information.
  2. "Guess what happened to my car today..."
    5 years of a shitty car made for a lot of boring car-problem stories. #RIPFordFocus 🚗⚰
  3. "Did you see that SNL skit..."
    Once I start explaining it the funniness level of it quickly goes downhill.
  4. "So I was at Trader Joe's and the checkout guy..."
    I'm convinced the only requirement to work at Trader Joe's (or Whole Foods) in Seattle is to be a hot guy. So many beards.
  5. "I had this dream last night..."
    I have bizarre and intricate dreams every night and no one is ever as interested in hearing about them as I think they should be.
  6. "You won't believe what this guy texted/snapchatted me..."
    Always accompanied by screenshots. Top source of entertainment.
  7. "You know that Seinfeld episode where..."
    A reference to Seinfeld is always appropriate.
  8. "Have you heard that new Drake song?"
    One of my self-appointed jobs in life is to keep all my friends up to date on Canadian music. Also related: "Have you seen the music video for this song?" The answer is almost always no. I miss the MTV era (not that I had cable as a kid so I don't really know anything about that era).
  9. "So today, one of my students..."
    I love telling everyone about the college students I work with. They teach me new things and are funny and awesome and write me nice notes and occasionally make questionable decisions.
  10. "That's not gonna be a good situation for my asthma/hives..."
    Bad genes, leaving me on the sidelines since 1990. #lilweezy
  11. "I was talking to my counselor..."
    It's a miracle I survived being a member of my crazy family/being a twenty-something before I started going to counseling, and I always want to talk about what I learned #besthourofmyweek