Phrases I Say as a Parent That Make Me Want to Kick My Own Ass

  1. Because I said so that's why
  2. If you don't ____ then you can't have ___
    Generally involves an iPad as ransom, but you just can't negotiate, the moment you do you've ceded control. Sometimes it's no books before bed which makes me feel lousier as that's one of my fave things to do is read to them before they go to sleep.
  3. No no no no no NO
  4. If you can't share ___ I'm taking ____ away.
    Who said you have to share on demand or not be upset that someone wants what you have. Isn't it ok to not share too sometimes?
  5. If you ask me one more time no dessert tonight
    Great, so I'm the guy who is holding back the ice cream train from arriving. Dick move dad.
  6. I can pretend to care if that will make you feel better (this one I never say but just think very loudly)
    I feel like this one will come back in therapy to haunt me later.
  7. I want to cry too but you don't see me on the ground pretending to be a screaming boneless chicken
  8. It's exactly 1 minute later than the last time you asked.
    Times fucking infinity
  9. Put your butt in that chair right now!
    Meaning don't lean back in your chair and for fuck sake actually sit in the damn chair when you pretend to eat by decorating with food
  10. One daddy song and then one Sesame Street song, we will take turns and you will enjoy it or at least be quiet until your song comes on.
    Because I am a monster who will hurt someone if rubber ducky supersedes a little rock music in the morning
  11. Fine don't wear a diaper, I'm not going to chase you.
    And why not chase a giggling laughing little munchkin? If I was 3 feet tall and had the implicit payload of copping a squat on the living room rug chambered and ready I'd laugh maniacally and make my old man chase me around the house too.
  12. There are things that mommies and daddys do and say that aren't ok for you to.
    Um hypocrite much?
  13. Maybe you want to be a princess doctor or a princess engineer?
    Me trying to out negotiate the fact that Cinderella ate my daughter. (phrase borrowed from Peggy orenstein)
  14. it just is, that's why.
    Honest sure, but leaning a bit hard on the existential stick for a 4 year old.
  15. I have 1,000 words per day. That's all.
    So, don't make me waste them by yelling mean things and threatening you.
    Suggested by   @T
  16. Shut up
    Not proud
    Suggested by   @ChrisK
  17. Sit still. Do I need to get a teenager sized high chair with safety belts?!
    Suggested by   @T
  18. This is not a negotiation
    I don't care what they do at your overpriced preschool.
    Suggested by   @sloan
  19. I don't know why. We'll look it up at home.
    When I am too tired or exasperated to answer another question (today's discussion was something about the stock market), so I just pretend that the discussion is over and google will take my place at home.
    Suggested by   @aswinn
  20. I'm going to give you three seconds....
    This is basically my warning system, much like a rocket launch, that things are about to get next-level. I never want it to get next level and yet...
    Suggested by   @aswinn