Things I Learned From Heavy Metal in the 80s

  1. You can in fact tell a lot about the insides based on the cover. And the name.
  2. What the Ramones did for punk Metallica did for metal
  3. Height of hair is proportional to poppiness
  4. Length of hair is proportional to heaviness
  5. The brighter and more neon the leather the more poppy the sound is/has become
  6. Ratio of females to males roughly 1:75
    Unless the band is named after the guitar player in which case the ratio drops precipitously to 1:500
  7. Ozzy rules. Period.
    Remember this is the 80s.
  8. Iron maiden is clearly better than Judas Priest in aggregate, but Judas Priest has some songs that just flat out rule, ergo they both have their places in the pantheon.
  9. The drummer is the one most often sleeveless in the picture on the back
  10. Either have one amazeballs guitarist or two really good ones.
  11. One of the guitarists from Ratt died of aids from needle use. The other is a multimillionaire who invested his earnings in parking lots in the valley. Investing > Iv drug use.
  12. Double bass drum > bass drum
  13. Analog > Digital
  14. Metal singers who make solo records (unless you were in black sabbath) not so much.
    Kiss did this somewhat successfully in 1978 but only just so...
  15. If you started with makeup, stick with the makeup.
  16. If a keytaur shows up, time to call it a day
  17. Many punk bands became metal as they learned to play their instruments. Sadly this rarely ended well.
  18. What Metallica did for metal the Melvins did for grunge